By: Rep. Craig Fangle
Congressman Craig Fangle, America’s most disgusting congressman, responds to the new poll that shows over 51 percent of Americans disapprove of their own congressman, the lowest that number has been in 25 years.
Americans being disappointed in their congress is nothing new but to me it just reinforces that most people don’t know what we do here in Washington. If you listened to the media you would think that we spend all our time raising money, making sweetheart deals with lobbyists and jostling for position within our own party. Yes, we do some of that, but, speaking for myself, most of my time is actually spent digging fish heads out of trashcans and eating them whole.
There are a lot of misconceptions about what we do in “this town” of ours, but let me be clear: It is no “House of Cards.” Sure I spend a little of my day strategizing with members of my party and, yes, I have my relationships with the press. But what they don’t show you are the hours after hours I spend irritating my skin until an ingrown hair forms that is large enough for me to suck out a whole mouthful of puss. And why do I do these things? It’s simple: I have compulsions that cannot be satiated any other way. If I see something in this country that needs to be fixed, I’ll do my best to fix it, and if I see a dead frog lying in the road, I’ll do my best to wear it. That’s the kinda guy I am and thats the kinda congressman I want to be.
I want to be very clear, I am not up here just lollygagging around. For every decision I make, I ask myself two questions: “is this beneficial to my constituency?” and “could I contract hepatitis from this?” If the answer is yes to both, then I do it. What is there to hate here? I am doing my best!
So the next time a pollster calls you up and asks if you are disappointed in your congress, I implore you to remember what an average, hardworking representative like me is doing all day: upholding the tradition of representative government and pouring fresh spores on my testicles in the hope a new kind of mushroom species will take root there. A mushroom that I will name Freedomis Americanus.