By: Zack Poitras

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You’d Be So Freaked Out If You Knew Where I Was Right Now (An Op-Ed By A Great White Shark)

A Great White Shark

Oh boy, this is gonna be so good. If you had any idea where I was right now you would be so freaked out. You would straight up lose your shit. If you knew where I was, you would call your mommy up on the phone, scream, and hang up, because you’d be so freaked no words would pop out and good manners no longer matter.

I’m not going to tell you where I am, either. At least not yet. Suspense has always been my friend. Jaws was only good because of how much youdidn’t see me. Then when you did, it was too late, and BAM! You were so freaked out.

At this point I bet you’re looking over your own shoulder. That would freak you out, but that wouldn’t have been surprising at all.

Don’t bother looking for a dorsal fin; I figured out what gave me away all those times. Like a human teen with a boner, I’m ducking and tucking. No more dorsal ‘ so now you have no clue where I am. But if you did have a clue? Brother, you’d be flailing like a spooked seal.

Am I behind you, swimming in the water? No. Am I below you, looking up your swimsuit? Not this time. Tee hee.

You’re not in the water at all, are you? So why would that freak you out? Well, maybe I’m not in the water, either? Dun Dun DUNNNN!

You thought I was in the ocean, didn’t you? Nope! I’m someplace far freakier. The site of the Ebola scare? No, then I’d be freaked out. Am I in the waters during the attack on Pearl Harbor? That was in the past, so I can’t be there. Am I in a creepy abandoned farm? That would only freak out people sneaking up on the farm. No, I am in a much freakier place.

You’d also freak out if you knew what I was doing right now. Am I licking my chompers? Maybe. Am I poking a kid’s toe with my nose? That’d be freaky, sure, but nowhere near as freaky as what I’m doing.

And if you knew why I was doing what I’m doing where I’m doing it, oh man, you’d go so nuts your head would explode like a beached whale. I bet you’re so freaked out right now just thinking about why I might be doing what I’m doing where I’m doing it, you’re hiding in your closet right now, hugging your precious kitten-cat. Are you sure that’s a good place to hide? Take a closer look at your kitten-cat. Are you sure I’m not the kitten-cat?

Well, I’m not, but that was a close one, wasn’t it? You’re so freaked out right now. So freaked out that I might as well tell you where I am, to freak you out even more, and make my spell complete.

I’m in North Korea. And I’m having a blast.

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