By: Cirocco Dunlap
Rick Perry’s Tips on How to Use Your Mugshot to Get Elected President
Rick Perry was recently indicted for abuse of power. Yesterday, he voluntarily appeared at court to have his mug shot taken. He seems excited to use the situation to his advantage, and has given us some handy tips for how to use a mug shot as a stepping stone to become President of the United States.
- As you can see from my mug shot above, and as a general rule in life, it’s always best to look as white and male as humanly possible.
- Make yourself a catchy slogan, like mine: ‘2016: The year I’ll be president, and also the number of prisoners I’m gonna make my bitch.”
- Slip the photographer a Benji and request the shot look like the least mug shotty mug shot of all time. For those of you who aren’t up to date on your slang, a ‘Benji” is a DVD of that Benjamin Button movie.
- Don’t wear your awesome, fake glasses in your mug shot. You want to seem like a man of the people, not like someone who would know what the words ‘indictment” or ‘coercion” or ‘abuse of power” mean.
- As often as possible, yell ‘I’m Lohanin’ it, motherfuckers!”
- When speaking to the officers taking your photo, don’t accidentally say ‘Shank you for your time” like I did. Oops!
- Print the image on a cake. Put a shiv in that cake. Bring it to me, Rick Perry, in case I go to prison cause I need to not be in prison if I’m going to be president.
- Leave enough space above your head for people to imagine you wearing Uncle Sam’s hat.
- Try to get people to start talking about Orange is the New Black like Sex and the City to make it more relatable. For example, I’m Rick Perry, and I’m SUCH a Crazy Eyes.