By: Matt Klinman
On Wednesday August 20, 2014 President Obama addressed the nation to give his thoughts on the recent beheading of American photojournalist James Foley by the terrorist group ISIL. While Obama’s speech was filled with anger towards the horrible acts this extremest group has been committing, Funny Or Die has been able to get their hands on Obama’s first draft of the speech which is filled with even more rage than the version he ultimately went with. This draft and Obama’s associated visual aids is posted below.
The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
August 20, 2014
Statement by the President [FIRST DRAFT]
The Edgartown School
Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, everybody. Today, the entire world is appalled by the brutal murder of Jim Foley by the terrorist group, ISIL. Jim Foley was a great American and his life stands in stark contrast to his killers. Let’s be clear about ISIL. Fuck these people. For real, fuck these fucking ISIL pieces of shit. If I could strangle everyone of these sick fucks with my bare hands I would. I mean JESUS FUCK. This is how you want your time on this Earth to be? Spent acting like insane monsters? It’s so goddamned sad to me that humans can fuck themselves up so much they can be like you. Take a second and THINK you doofus fucks.
[Shake head vigorously]
Have you guys seen the Vice News thing on these pieces of shit? It’s good, it shows ISIL is just like a bunch of men looking for a place to belong. THAT’S IT. It’s fucking pathetic and people have to die because these sad sack fucks can’t just get a fucking hobby. This dude literally says “family is the least important thing in my life.” These people are so fucking stupid. Why, WHY would ANY GOD AT ALL think it is good to kill innocent people JUST SO THAT YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
[Clench both fists and then let them go in exasperation]
You hear about this thing where these morons hate being killed by women? They think if a woman kills them then they don’t go to heaven. What kind of idiotic caveat is that? Do you fuckers even know about the word “why?” Because you are allowed to use it.
I am not sure this woman thing is even true, I mean it sounds like it’s true, it sounds like something these plankton-brained fucks would think. But fuck it. I’ve ordered the military to make new female drones. Drones with wide hips, large breasts and huge, bold, beautiful vaginas that shoot out pink fucking missiles coated in menstrual blood. They will be controlled by women and look like this:
[HOLD UP DRAWING OF FEMALE PREDATOR DRONE]
And after those missiles are fired we will drop notes that say “you just got killed by an American Woman, fuck face.” And fuck it man, maybe this women-killing-no-heaven thing is just a rumor but who cares, that would be badass to kill them with this lady drone. These fucking rapists. These disgusting men. Ugh.
You know what, fuck it. Here. I fucking drew Muhammad.
[HOLD UP DRAWING OF Muhammad SHITTING ON THE ISIL FLAG]
That’s right, fucking Muhammad You know what he’s doing? He’s taking a shit on your garbage fucking flag. BECAUSE I BET IF HE WAS ALIVE HE WOULD! Muhammad would hate you fucks, he would laugh at your ideas of what his religion should be. And jesus your flag sucks. Who made it? The circle isn’t even round. It just looks like some trembling old man drew it and everyone was too afraid of him to tell him it looks like garbage. The shit Muhammad is shitting looks better than it. Did your cowardly little leader al-Bahgdadi draw this? Is that what happened? I don’t know what’s sadder, that old fuck drawing this and you loving it or someone else showing it to him and him being so fucking stupid that he thinks its good. At least the Nazi’s could draw!
Now look, my fellow Americans, I know that violence isn’t the answer here. I mean for sure we should do some of those vagina missile things I was talking about but after that I know we went down this path already. We waged war in the middle east for years and all we ended up with is these fuckers. War just makes things worse. Violence just leads to more violence. But also I genuinely have no idea what else to do right now so, fuck. For right now lets just all be angry and maybe after that something will present itself as the right thing to do. Fuck these people. For real. Fuck these fucking people.