Funny Or Die’s Newest Employee Wants a Raise

To: HR@funnyordie.com
From: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
Subject: Raise please! URGENT.

Hi Ruth!

As you probably saw yesterday, my most recent article got 12 views. I was wondering who I would talk to about getting a raise? A very big one if possible.

PLEASE AND THANK YOU! Send my love to the kids!

Mike

To: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
From: HR@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Hi Mike,

Having trouble deciding where to start with this one. To begin with, I don’t have kids so I’m not sure who you’re sending your love to. But I guess, most importantly, Human Resources is not in charge of giving out raises.

Sorry, I couldn’t be of help.

Ruth Becky
Human Resources, Funny Or Die

To: HR@funnyordie.com
From: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

HAHA! I always thought “send my love to the kids” was just an expression! Like “catch ya later” or something! Now I feel TERRIBLE about saying it to Jules!! (Not trying to be a gossip but she had a miscarriage.)

ANYWAYS, I know HR doesn’t traditionally dole out the raises but I figured since this article already has 12 views you could make an exception? Like I said, preferably a big one.

To: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
From: HR@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Mike, even if I could dish out raises, 12 views does not warrant one.

To: HR@funnyordie.com
From: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Ruth, please. I’m trying to buy Counting Crows tickets.

Also I just checked and it’s actually at 13 now if that makes a difference.

To: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
From: HR@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Mike, the reason it just went up to 13 is because you clicked on it.

To: HR@funnyordie.com
From: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

OH MY GOD! You’re right! My own clicks count as views! Ruth, I need you to do me a big favor. Please go to the homepage and click on the article called “Puke Baby Gets Laid.” It’s about a sexually active baby who vomits when he cums. I’m trying to get it to 20 views so that HR will give me a raise.

Please do me this kindness. I can’t ask Jules to click on it because she’s sensitive about baby stuff at the moment.

To: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
From: HR@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Mike, please. I have a lot of work to do. 20 views is still really bad. Even if I had the power to give out raises, this is truly not deserving of one.

To: HR@funnyordie.com
From: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

OK, wow, that’s really mean. I tried my very best with “Puke Baby Gets Laid” and I’m proud of the NOW 17 VIEWS it’s had. Up until yesterday there were ZERO articles on FOD about sexually active infants who puke when they orgasm. Ruth, not to be “that guy” but can you tell me how many views YOUR last article had?

To: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
From: HR@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

I work in HR so don’t write articles.

To: HR@funnyordie.com
From: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
Subject: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

So ‘ zero ‘?

I realize what you’re doing right now. I throw out a number, you counter with a smaller one, I counter with a higher one ‘ can we just save ourselves the time? We both know how it’s gonna play out:

“Ruth, due to the success of ‘Puke Baby Gets Laid,’ I need a very big raise.”
“Mike, you can have a small raise.”
“Counter offer, Ruth ‘ kinda big raise.”
“Mike, this is hard for me because I’m in love with you.”
“Ruth, I’m in love with you, too. I wanna take you to Counting Crows but I need money for tickets.”
“And then after we could go to Sum 41.”
“I think we should see other people. Regular-sized big raise. Final offer.”
“Take your regular-sized big raise. Think of me when Counting Crows plays Long December.”
“Maybe.”

There. Look at the time I saved us! Sorry it didn’t work out but I’m married to the sea! Thank you for the regular-sized big raise!

To: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
CC: danielabramson69@funnyordie.com
From: HR@funnyordie.com
Subject: FWD: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Mike, I did NOT approve your regular-sized big raise. I don’t even know what that means.

Dan, please see below and weigh in.

To: HR@funnyordie.com
CC: mikescollins69@funnyordie.com
From: danielabramson69@funnyordie.com
Subject: AUTO REPLY RE: FWD: Re: Raise please! URGENT.

Thank you for your email. I am at a Counting Crows concert with my friend, Mike, who surprised me with tickets. I hope they play “Accidentally in Love” from the Shrek soundtrack. I will respond to your email when I return.
Dan

Previously:
Funny or Die’s Newest Employee Gets an Email Address
Funny or Die’s Newest Employee Gets Health Care
Funny or Die’s Newest Employee Is Unable to Look at Blocked Websites
Funny or Die’s Newest Employee Asks for Vacation Days