By: Zack Poitras

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Lies for Teenagers to Tell When They Get Back to School

When returning to school, you see a lot of people for the first time in months. Here is a list of lies you can tell them so it sounds like you had the best summer ever:

  • For $75 you took someone’s MCAT test and got a perfect score and now that person will be a doctor.
  • You stayed up all night for five nights in a row and could have sworn you talked with the ghost of Paul Newman.
  • You learned a new trade that can’t be repeated, like porkeling, the art of pickling slabs of pork.
  • You made a bunch of money betting on rat fights but then blew it all on a hot-air-balloon ride.
  • You didn’t see any classmates because you were hanging out with Mitch, your new rich best friend.
  • You shared a cab with John Cusack and he couldn’t stop talking about how parsley can suck it.
  • You didn’t sit around for two days watching a Meg Ryan rom-com marathon on TV.
  • You had sex with Sonia Carlisle, a girl from camp, in the back of a frozen-food truck, and melted a whole bunch of Marie Callendar’s.
  • Someone stole your passport but it was fake so the joke’s on them.
  • You tried New Meth and it was alright but not something to lose your eyebrows over.
  • You definitely didn’t spend a lot of the summer throwing dirt clods in a construction area near your house, why would they even ask that.
  • Doctors say you had to get your dick shortened.
  • You started a band but you guys broke up over firing the drummer, Marques, who was the bass player’s little brother.
  • A girl began to give you a hand job, but it was dumb, so you politely put it on hold and continued to watch Guardians of the Galaxy.
  • Your parents are doing great.
  • You “dernated” a girl, which you explain means to have pretended to have sex with her in a short independent film.
  • You drove in a TESLA the other day.
  • You smoked eight cigs a day for two months but you didn’t get addicted.
  • You don’t drink that often but you got pretty crazy at a neighbor’s house they wouldn’t know.
  • You met a German exchange student at the mall and made out during two consecutive showings of Boyhood.
  • You’re brother isn’t depressed, alright, so leave him alone.
  • You invented the Ice Bucket Challenge but didn’t film it.
  • Say you found your gay for a while and never explain its meaning.
  • You gained 10 pounds of muscle but had to lose it all for a late August staged performance of The Mechanic.
  • Your potassium levels are through the roof.
  • You did this thing with a woman called a “falooshquirt,” which is when you have sex with a woman while screaming “Falooshquirt!” until a neighbor yells “Hey, falooshquirt you, pal!”
  • You didn’t cry recently, or at all this summer.
  • You were tan for a while, you swear. Really tan.
  • That wasn’t you at the park, failing to get a kite in the air, then throwing the kite in the trash.
  • You’re excited ‘ if the summer was any indication, it’s gonna be a great year.

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