By: Pat O'Brien
BIG news: apparently the character Hello Kitty is not a cat. Sanrio, the makers of Hello Kitty, recently clarified that the heavily-merchandised character “Is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours.”
This may come as a surprise to many of us (she sure as fuck looks like a cat), but Hello Kitty has been dealing with this misconception for years, even turning to slam poetry to vent her frustrations. Here’s an example of a particularly angry set she performed at a recent open mic:
Hello Kitty is not a cat.
Oops, did I scare you?
But go ahead and call her one
Say it again, I dare you.
She’s a teacher, a dancer, a goddess ‘a whore
But she’s never depicted down on all fours
She’s a virgin, a blogger, a builder of ships
She is woman, and backpacks, and little hair clips
But Hello Kitty is not a cat.
And in Amerikkka? Oh, they HATE that
Because it topples the Catriarchy, for which it stands
One that sees paws, where there are hands
and assumes that my whiskers and triangle ears
mean I measure my life in some sort of cat years.
I’m a contradiction, a lover, a mystery, a slave.
I’m the face on your school folder, and your tabs of ecstasy at a rave.
So STAND DOWN with your labels, which poke me like prickers
‘but be sure to check out my website for tons of cute stickers!
[see more of Hello Kitty in her one-woman show “Not Your Pencil-Topper” at Bar Lubitch, 7702 Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood, CA 90046]