By: Matt Klinman
Since losing his primary election, former Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has been hard at work trying to get a new job. Last week he announced he snagged a primo position at boutique investment bank Moelis & Company where he would be making over a million dollars a year despite having no finance experience. Here is the cover letter that landed him the job.
To whom it may concern,
My name is Eric Cantor and I am writing to express interest in a position at your investment bank, Moelis & Company. I am a recent alumni of the U.S. Congress in Washington, D.C., where I was the House Majority Leader (similar to Senior VP of an organization called the House of Representatives). I was one of the top representatives my age in U.S. Congress and it has always been my dream that the work I put in while there would be able to land me a great job at a high-paying investment firm like yours. In reading about Moelis & Company on your website and in the press I have found it to be a great company. I think that my work ethic, political relationships, and desire to have lots of money will make me a valuable addition to your team.
My experience in U.S. Congress prepared me for the real world in many ways: It gave me good experience working in groups and knowing which groups not to cooperate with. For example in U.S. Congress it was bad to work with a group called the Democrats. Ask any of my references and they will tell you I did a great job of not working with them unless I was supposed to work with them because they were also working on things that were helpful for finance companies, then I did a good job working with them. U.S. Congress also taught me the value of a dollar by showing me that if you do things that help people make dollars, they will give you some of those dollars so that you can keep getting them more dollars. One of my favorite concepts I learned in fact was that if you have enough money you can boss anyone around. I hope to use this concept a lot in the real world. And finally, U.S. Congress helped me make lifelong friends with people that companies like Moelis & Company will want to be friends with too. I am great at introducing people to other people and I would love to be able to do it for you if you let me.
While I don’t have any formal training in finance, I have, in a way, been working for companies just like yours for the last decade. In fact, just a couple of years ago the CEO of your company, Ken Moelis, personally gave me over $10,000 to do some work for him. I hope he remembers but its OK if he doesn’t. I understand how important and rich Mr. Moelis is and I hope to learn a lot from him if you give me a job.
My work in U.S. Congress preventing significant financial regulations from becoming law has been very rewarding. As a representative to the people of Virginia’s 7th district, it was always my first priority to learn what policies were best for Wall Street investment banks like Moelis & Company and implement them. I think it will be very fun for me to see how much I can benefit from the legislation I supported now that I am entering the world of finance.
I know that there may be some worries that this job would just be a “day job” for me while I work on getting back into U.S. Congress. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In my time in U.S. Congress I learned that my passion for political power just was not what it was when I was younger. Power may have been my childhood dream but now that I am an adult I know that money is the most important thing in life. You can tell this is true because as soon as I found out I was not going to be able to run for my position again I immediately quit so I didn’t have to waste my time there anymore. Instead, over the past few years the people I have respected and worked to impress the most are wealthy people in finance just like you. I like to think that for the last 13 years my “boss” has actually been money. While never officially employed by money, I have always done whatever money thinks is best. This way money can get stronger and, someday I hoped, take care of me when I needed it. I hope that day is today.
You probably have many former and current members of U.S. Congress fighting for this position, but I think that I bring a very unique perspective that others do not have. One interesting fact about me is that I am very good at knowing what it takes to succeed: I am very passionate about putting the needs of people who can give me money above my own personal need for beliefs. One example of this is the fact that my wife is very liberal but I have espoused hardline Republican beliefs while in U.S. Congress. This is because I know it is important to believe whatever is best for getting ahead even if that means never listening to my wife. I am ready to believe whatever you need me to so that we can get as much money for ourselves as possible and that is a promise.
In conclusion, I think that I will be a great addition to your team at J.P. Morgan Chase and I hope that you agree. I hope to hear back from you soon, it has always been a dream of mine to work at Moelis & Company and I hope you can make that dream come true.