By: Mike Scollins

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Exclusive Interview with the Guy Who “Doesn’t Even Own a TV”

We did it! We’ve scored the interview that Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, and Katie Couric couldn’t ‘ the dude who loves to tell people, ‘I don’t even own a TV”. You’ve definitely seen him at parties. He’s the one that, as soon as someone mentions Mad Men, informs you that he ‘doesn’t even own a TV” as if it’s a point of pride. Ask him and he’ll tell you ‘ yes, you’re in the presence of the coolest guy in the world.

We sat down with ‘I Don’t Even Own a TV” Guy at a coffee shop in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. (Surprise, surprise, he takes his with almond milk ‘)

I mean I guess my first question is, how did you get to be so fucking awesome?
That’s a really good question and definitely the one I get asked the most. For me, there’s just so much more to do in world than own a TV. I ride my bike, I read books, I volunteer at ‘

Uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s great. Next question: WHY THE SECRECY THOUGH?! Why do you have to be so PRIVATE about not even owning a TV?!
Really? Actually, I tell people every opportunity I ge ‘ wait, are you making fun of me?

Haha, a little, yeah.
Well you’re totally right. Definitely the best part of ‘not even owning a TV” is TELLING PEOPLE you don’t even own a TV. And you can fit it into almost any conversation. Like, watch this: ‘My grandfather died today and the wake is on Tuesday.” ‘Wow, speaking of wakes, have you guys seen Six Feet Under? I haven’t because I don’t even own a TV.” [Editors Note: At this point he got out of his chair and bowed. He wouldn’t sit until I applauded.]

Wow. That was such a gorgeous and natural segue!
Do you want me to do it again?

I think I’m OK.
‘If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.” ‘I DON’T EVEN OWN A TV!!” It’s honestly just that simple! Not only did I let an entire church know that I don’t even own a TV, but I also found a way to make the most important day in a couple’s life about me! And I was originally only invited as a friend of a friend!

How can I be more like you?! What’s your secret?! [Editor’s Note: As I said this, I was doing that imaginary jerk off motion. He didn’t notice though.]
It’s easy. Just keeping telling folks you ‘don’t even own a TV”! All day, every day! If you can follow it up with an ‘I’m actually not eating processed sugars right now” it’s a GREAT one-two punch. You’re INSTANTLY the most interesting person at the gym! I used ‘gym” as a specific cause it’s where I spend most of time. I’m on this fitness regiment of ‘

Regiment? I think you mean ‘regimen”?
Umm ‘ umm ‘ I DON’T EVEN OWN A TV!

You’ve mentioned that.
Have I?

So does this get you laid?
Shockingly, it DOESN’T. I know, it’s crazy. I have to assume when people find out I ‘don’t even own a TV” they get a little in their heads about being in the presence of someone so close to God? It’s kinda like when you find out really hot girls never get hit on at bars because people just assume they’re already in a relationship. I think that’s what happens with us ‘don’t even own a TV” guys, too.

Yeah, probably. So what’s hanging in your apartment where a TV would naturally go? I assume some sort of trophy or prize for being so different/unique?
Haha you’re right to assume that but no. I actually just put my 30″ Mac screen there. It’s connected through Bluetooth so it makes it really easy to stream Game of Thrones and Homela

Wait. You watch Game of Thrones and Homeland?
Yeah of course. My parents’ HBOGo and Showtime Anytime passwords let me ‘

This whole interview was because you ‘don’t even own a TV.”
I don’t! I watch shows on my Mac!

Wait. This is bullshit.
Oh EVERYTHING about me’s bullshit! I’m a bullshit PERSON. The best part of saying ‘I don’t even own a TV” is that as long as you don’t physically have a television, you’re not lying. I watch shows all the time. I just do it on my computer. The VoiceReal Housewives ‘those awesome MTV Real World Challenges ‘

So you tell people ‘I don’t even own a TV” solely for the purpose of being a fucking schmuck?
Yes, that’s correct.

This interview’s over.

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