By: Alex Pearson

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Roger Goodell’s Next Job

Don’t worry about Roger Goodell, everyone. He can find a new job if he wants to. He seems like the kind of guy who can do anything.

Roger Goodell, Meteorologist

Anchor: And now to our newest Channel 7 team member, Roger Goodell, here with the weather. Welcome, Roger. It’s really coming down out there today, huh.
Roger Goodell: It is unclear at this time.
Anchor: Roger, you’re soaked. Did you forget your umbrella?
Roger Goodell: An umbrella will be mandated after the second report of precipitation. And now to the live outdoor Channel 7 weather cam. Oh my god, it’s raining.

Roger Goodell, Police Chief

7-11 Clerk: Then he points the handgun at my face and takes everything from both registers.
Roger Goodell: ‘
7-11 Clerk: He was probably my height, mid-thirties. Sandy blond hair.
Roger Goodell: ‘
7-11 Clerk: No facial hair. He was wearing a puffy blue coat. Let’s see ‘ I think he had a scar on his neck
Roger Goodell: ‘
7-11 Clerk: What’s going on? Why aren’t you doing anything? Do you at least want to see the security tape?
Roger Goodell: Sounds like you were robbed. Tell me everything.

Roger Goodell, Surgeon

Patient: Dr. Goodell, help! I sliced my hand off on a table saw!
Dr. Goodell, MD: We’ll give you two Tylenol.
Patient: Tylenol? What about re-attaching my hand?
Dr. Goodell: If it happens to the other hand, we will definitely do that.
Patient: But I am bleeding so much.
Dr. Goodell: Wait, you weren’t filming a home-improvement show or an instructional video or anything like that when this happened, were you?
Patient:What does that matter? No, I wasn’t filming anything.
Dr. Goodell: Two Tylenol. Have a good day.

Roger Goodell, Ice Cream Parlor Owner

Billy: I want two scoops of strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone!
Roger Goodell: You can have some sprinkles.
Billy: But I want ice cream!
Roger Goodell: I’m sorry. This is your first order. So you just get sprinkles, but we will look into whether we have ice cream.
Billy: I see strawberry ice cream behind the counter.
Roger Goodell: Who are you? Are you from TMZ?
Billy: I’m seven years old.
Roger Goodell: You didn’t answer my question.
Billy: Yes, this is a TMZ exclusive. We’re everywhere now.
[Billy runs away]

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