By: Brian Boone
[You are receiving this email because you registered your time machine with the federal government, in accordance with the law. In doing so, you also agreed to receive important notices, news, and special offers from MM International.]
Once again, thank you for purchasing a Memory-Maker Time Machine. We know that there are a lot of time machines on the market, and we genuinely appreciate that you chose a Memory-Maker. Memory-Maker Time Machines: Make Some Memories ‘.
In addition to believing that the timescape is a navigable playground of wonder and delight, we at Memory-Maker feel that the customer is always right ‘within reason. It wouldn’t be wise to make a blanket statement like that without considering all the facts, namely that customers don’t always have all the information they need to make reasonable choices. While you might have spent thousands of dollars on your timemachine, we’re the company that invented, developed, and marketed time travel at a cost of several billion dollars and several human lives, only some of which we were able to recoup with time travel. (Memory-Maker proudly participates in the A Paradox-Free America program.) Thusly, we’re the unrivaled experts on time travel, and we reserve, even cherish, the right to give you information that might better help you enjoy your time machine without damaging yourself, the world, or the delicate fabric of time.
There are certain things that a number of Memory-Maker Time Machine owners keep doing that simply must stop. They say that “everything happens for a reason” and is especially true when dealing with time travel. We ask you to please stop using your time machine for the following uses:
‘ Do not tell your high school self that everything will work out.
‘ Do not teach your high school self how to be “cool.”
‘ Do not “resolve” any high school-sweetheart related romantic business.
‘ Do not go see the Beatles perform in any era or venue. Shea Stadium collapses under the weight of triple capacity, the Ed Sullivan Theatre is prone to fires, and the rooftop collapse at Apple Records crippled Ringo Starr on more than occasion. In the last fiscal year, we’ve had to reverse four Shea disasters, 15 Sullivan Theatre fires, and save Mr. Starr no less than 40 times.
‘ On a similar, admittedly sad note, John Lennon must die in December 1980. The ripple effects of this not happening are too great. Our operatives uncovered an alternate timeline in which Lennon’s would-be assassin instead killed Ringo Starr early in the production of Shining Time Station. The result: That show never airs, and never gets a young man so excited about train travel that he never studies physics ‘and never goes on to develop time travel and found a company called Memory-Maker.
‘ Speaking of Shea Stadium, many Memory-Maker customers have taken it upon themselves to “correct” the 1986 World Series. While we frequently clean up and undo time paradoxes, this one is different. No matter the method by which timemachine users have tried to affect the outcome of this game ‘running across the field, doctoring baseballs, paying Morgana the Kissing Bandit small fortunes to storm the field ‘it always end up the same. Bill Buckner lets the ball run through his legs. Some moments in time are “locked” and are unchangeable. Respect this, or we will have no choice but to bar them from observation.
‘ Do not use your time machine to get a few more extra minutes of sleep in the morning. A time machine is a sophisticated piece of technology; it is not a snooze button.
‘ Do not go kill Hitler. When we take a look at the years of 1929 to 1945, they’re primarily a wall of bullets, knives, and grenades. While we at Memory-Maker are decidedly “anti-Hitler,” these waves of weaponry are quite dangerous for not only our operatives, but for other Memory-Maker customers on unrelated business, as well as the innocent bystanders of history.
If an element of the past is damaged or altered, we are legally required to fix it, at our own great expense. That, in turn is reflected in higher monthly service charges for all Memory-Maker users. So please: Think of time travel like camping. Leave everything just as you left it. Observe, enjoy, but don’t tarnish.