By: Nate Dern

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A Conversation in Hell About ISIS

Terrorist group ISIS has posted another video in which they kill a hostage, British aid worker David Haines (source). The following conversation occurred in hell following this most recent act of despicable evil.

Hitler: Did you see that ISIS just posted another video of them killing someone else? It was a British aid worker this time.

Pol Pot: Those guys are pure fucking evil.

Stalin: Yeah, it’s really scary stuff. I mean, we’re talking about people who are too extreme for al-Qaeda.

John Wayne Gacy: Wait, how’d you guys see this stuff? Are you looking at an iPad?

Hitler: Get out of here, Clown Killer. Nobody likes you.

John Wayne Gacy: When you say it like that, it makes it seem like you think that I killed clowns. But my thing was –

Pol Pot: Hitler said get out of here!

[John Wayne Gacy makes a pouty face and walks away]

Hitler: Man, I hate that guy.

Stalin: But not as much as I hate ISIS.

Hitler: ISIS is the worst.

Pol Pot: Yeah, they’re the worst. Pure fucking evil.

Stalin: And they’re not some fringe group. They have significant resources and are highly organized. They’ve made significant territorial gains in their quest to establish a hardline Sunni Islamic state.

Hitler: And they’re leaving a wake of destruction in their path, killing and terrorizing ethnic and religious minorities. These monsters need to be stopped.

Pol Pot: Over 5,000 civilians dead this year in Iraq so far.

Stalin: Abducting and murdering journalists and aid workers. Killing and torturing women and children. Spewing so much hatred.

Hitler: These guys are pure fucking evil.

[from around a pile of skulls, Satan emerges looking angry]

Satan: Hey! What’s going on over here? Gacy told me you guys have an iPad?

Hitler / Stalin / Pol Pot: Fuckin’ Gacy!

Satan: Yeah, he sucks. But still, no iPads in hell. You guys know that.

Hitler: It’s not an iPad. It’s a Windows Surface.

Satan: Oh, that makes more sense.

[everyone shares a good laugh]

Satan: Okay, I guess I can let y’all hang on to that. Just keep it on the DL. What are you looking at anyway?

Hitler: Just talking about how evil ISIS is.

Stalin: Hey, you guys aren’t getting soft on me, are you? I mean, you’re each responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people and you’re saying ISIS is evil?

Pol Pot: Well, they just posted a video of them beheading another hostage. This time it was an innocent British aid worker. A fucking aid worker. Someone who was just trying to help. It’s barbaric.

Satan: Jesus, they posted a video of it?

Stalin: Yeah, trying to provoke the US and Britain. And they have threatened to continue doing it until western countries withdraw from the region.

[Satan gets quiet. He looks off at a spewing geyser of hellfire in the distance.]

Satan: [barely audible] That is awful. These guys are pure fucking evil.

Hitler / Stalin / Pol Pot: Pure fucking evil.

[a moment passes]

John Wayne Gacy: Hey, what are you guys talking about?

All: Get out of here, Gacy!

[John Wayne Gacy makes a pouty face and walks away]

Satan: Geeze, that guy sucks. Well, every last one of those ISIS fuckers has secured themselves a spot here with us, so y'all can have first dibs once they’re here. In the meantime, can I borrow your Surface to watch the new Taylor Swift video? I still haven’t seen it. Earl Sweatshirt tweeted that it was offensive and I want to see what’s up.

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