By: Mike Scollins
FUNNY OR DIE SPONSORED POST: CASTING AGENTS ONLY PLEASE!!
Hi! If you’re reading this then you’re a casting agent! That’s awesome! (If you’re reading this and you’re NOT a casting agent, you missed the title that says ‘Casting Agents Only!!’. Please go find something else on this site. Here’s a video of a 2 year-old landlord. She rules.)
My name is Ted Gibson and I am a ‘between jobs” actor. So to help get the word out, I paid Funny Or Die $500,000 to post my headshots on their front page today. I don’t want to put a lot of pressure on you, but this is much more money than I actually have. So in addition to casting me in your upcoming film, TV show, or web series, I am going to need AT LEAST $500,000 just to break even. To turn a profit (which is the ultimate goal), I’m going to need more than that.
Here are a couple of headshots so you can see what I look like:
If you look at the photos, you’ll notice that I’m uniquely qualified for roles that require both showing teeth and not showing teeth. Truly, I do it all!!
Something to keep in mind, though, is that these headshots are like ‘ four years old? I haven’t gotten new ones in a while. But headshots are like $500 and I just couldn’t justify spending $500,500 on this post. That’s like ‘ insane. My mom is already gonna whoop me when she gets her credit bard bill. So I guess just look at those photos but imagine a few years. OH! And I have a beard now!! So it’s kinda like:
That’s me. Not bad, right? I’m also VERY WILLING to do nudity! Eager even! (Previous casting agents have told me ‘not to open with that” so I’m casually throwing it here in the middle.) But yeah, frontsies or backies, I’ll show whatever. IDGAF.
Since I’m not there to audition in person, please view my reel that I put together this morning.
UGH!!!! What the fuck. I don’t know why it’s not uploading. I’m pressing upload. I just dropped half a million on this fucking ‘ you know what, I’ll just tell you what’s in it. It opens with me holding a bag of Doritos and I’m like, ‘Doritos! These are fucking great!” and then I do a cool kick-flip ollie on a skateboard. Full disclosure, I was never cast in a Doritos commercial so it’s just like ‘this is what it would look like if I were.” Trust me it’s really good though. And then it cuts to a clip of me with a hot chick being like, ‘We have to break up cause I’m dying tomorrow!!!” It’s A VERY DRAMATIC SCENE. It’s a good one to ‘show range” and a nice contrast to the Doritos commercial where I’m not breaking up with anyone and I’m not dying. Then it’s me naked reminding people I’m willing to be naked. And, finally, a clip of me in court saying, under oath, ‘I don’t know where all those drugs in my bedroom came from.” This is not from a movie but actually from a real court case. The thing is, I really do know where the drugs came from (my friend, Tico) so I’m still acting.
Here is a list of girls I would be interested in doing a scene with:
Jessica Alba, Hayden Panettiere, the wife on Homeland, the T-Mobile girl, anyone from the ‘Blurred Lines” video, and Casey Anthony. Others too but just ask first and I’ll let you know.
Here’s a list of roles I wanna play:
Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, Mask (Jim Carrey OR Eric Stoltz), and any role where the name of my character is also the name of the movie (i.e., Rudy, Michael Clayton, Van Wilder, etc.).
Here is a list of special skills in addition to the ‘can show teeth / doesn’t necessarily need to show teeth” I proved earlier:
I can drive a car (like to set or whatever), I know most of the words to Nickleback’s ‘How You Remind Me,” I’ve never seen a ghost so if you put me in a horror movie with one you’ll get a very honest reaction, seen every episode of Bar Rescue, have my picture on the wall of one of those ‘eat this whole steak and get your picture on the wall” restaurants, I’m drunk every day (this is good for if you wanted to put me in like a college frat comedy?? Hate to be a broken record but again ‘ Van Wilder.)
I guess that’s all you need to know!! Right now my email is hacked (DO NOT TRUST NIGERIAN PRINCES) and I’m only working with a burner phone at the moment so hit me up on Facebook! There’s a fuck ton of Ted Gibson’ses though so you’ll have to look around ‘ mine is the profile pic of a guy barfing on Splash Mountain. (I didn’t even have to pay for the photo! They told me they’d never seen a person puke that much so I could have it for free!)
I’m trying to add tags to this article but I don’t know how. Do I just type them in?
Ted Gibson+actor+movie star+casting+handsome+kinda hung+men of Facebook+pokemon master+black belt+ ok brown belt+ fine no belt+ can’t have kids
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