By: Melinda Taub
Which Scotland Is Right for You?
On Thursday, the nation of Scotland will go to the polls and cast a historic vote on whether to remain a part of the United Kingdom or to secede from Great Britain and become its own independent country. As a service to the 94% of our readership that resides in the Scottish Highlands, we’ve provided a chart to explain the possible outcomes of each option listed on the referendum.
 No:
Scotland will remain part of the UK |
 Yes:
Scotland will become independent from England |
 Raaahhh:
Scotland will invade England, Europe, the world |
|
|---|---|---|---|
| Result | Scotland would remain a part of the United Kingdom, economically and politically unified with those redcoat bastards to the South. | Scotland would become an independent country for the first time in 300 years, except for one crazy night in 1982. | Scotland would crush the UK under its plaid boot, turn all bloody English into cybernetically enhanced warrior-slaves, conquer world. |
| Celebrity supporters | Emma Thompson. | Mel Gibson, presumably. | Former Doctor Who star David Tennant (really). |
| Economics | Scotland would continue to toil under the yoke of the strong, stable English pound. | Unfortunately, Scotland would lose the privilege of sharing profit from its oil reserves with England. | World markets would likely take a hit when London’s population replaced entirely with sheep. |
| Socialized medicine | Scotland would remain part of the National Health Service. | Much like WB heroine Felicity, Scotland would experience exhilarating freedom, but would be unable to afford its own health insurance. | Death in battle is glorious. |
| Citizenship and residency | Scots would continue to hold full second class UK citizenship. | JK Rowling would be fired back to England in a cannon. | All redheads would hold an unrestricted license to kill. |
| Impact on Doctor Who | Scotsman Peter Capaldi would continue to play the Doctor. | Scotland would launch its own version of Doctor Who, to be called “Laird Who’s Tha’ Then.” | Scottish scientists are already working on a TARDIS covered in guns. |
| Impact on people knowing about Wales | Haha nice try. | Wales is not real. | ‘Wales,” sure, next thing you’ll tell us that Buckingham Palace guards really wear those hats. |
| World haggis levels | Unchanged. | Lower, since there will be fewer opportunities to gross out English people with it. | Haggis will be the only food. |
| Ability of young English ladies to elope to Gretna Green with scoundrels | Unchanged. | Young ladies would be turned away at the border, retaining their virtue for more eligible suitors, like the young vicar who has loved them from afar. | Cybernetically enhanced warrior-slaves do not marry. |
Result
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Scotland would remain a part of the United Kingdom, economically and politically unified with those redcoat bastards to the South.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Scotland would become an independent country for the first time in 300 years, except for one crazy night in 1982.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: Scotland would crush the UK under its plaid boot, turn all bloody English into cybernetically enhanced warrior-slaves, conquer world.
Celebrity supporters
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Emma Thompson.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Mel Gibson, presumably.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: Former Doctor Who star David Tennant (really).
Economics
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Scotland would continue to toil under the yoke of the strong, stable English pound.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Unfortunately, Scotland would lose the privilege of sharing profit from its oil reserves with England.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: World markets would likely take a hit when London’s population replaced entirely with sheep.
Socialized medicine
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Scotland would remain part of the National Health Service.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Much like WB heroine Felicity, Scotland would experience exhilarating freedom, but would be unable to afford its own health insurance.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: Death in battle is glorious.
Citizenship and residency
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Scots would continue to hold full second class UK citizenship.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: JK Rowling would be fired back to England in a cannon.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: All redheads would hold an unrestricted license to kill.
Impact on Doctor Who
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Scotsman Peter Capaldi would continue to play the Doctor.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Scotland would launch its own version of Doctor Who, to be called “Laird Who’s Tha’ Then.”
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: Scottish scientists are already working on a TARDIS covered in guns.
Impact on people knowing about Wales
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Haha nice try.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Wales is not real.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: ‘Wales,” sure, next thing you’ll tell us that Buckingham Palace guards really wear those hats.
World haggis levels
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Unchanged.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Lower, since there will be fewer opportunities to gross out English people with it.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: Haggis will be the only food.
Ability of young English ladies to elope to Gretna Green with scoundrels
No:Scotland would remain part of the UK with England: Unchanged.
Yes: Scotland would become independent from England: Young ladies would be turned away at the border, retaining their virtue for more eligible suitors, like the young vicar who has loved them from afar.
Raaahhh: Scotland would invade England: Cybernetically enhanced warrior-slaves do not marry.
