By: Melinda Taub
FROM THE DESK OF CIA DIRECTOR JOHN O. BRENNAN
FOR THE EYES OF PRESIDENT OBAMA ONLY
Mr. President, Iraq and Syria are in turmoil. Dictator Bashar al-Assad is brutally bombing his own people. Opposing him is ISIS, the most vicious terrorist organization on the planet. The U.S. cannot ignore these human rights violations and threats to our security. We must act. We must arm Nate, the one Syrian rebel we can trust.
As you asked us, the CIA has been exhaustively vetting rebel factions that the U.S. could arm against Assad and ISIS, provided they meet some key criteria. They need to be fighting Assad but not aligned with ISIS. They have to be principled enough not to commit war crimes or atrocities against civilians, but also not wusses. They can’t be religious extremists, but they can’t be so secular that they’ll alienate the populace.
Luckily, despite the terrible strife in that region, we have found that there is still absolutely a faction that meets our criteria. His name is Nate and we should send him 90,000 guns.
In case you’re confused: Nate is not a rebel leader. We’re not talking about arming him and his followers. Just him. Just one dude. That’s what we’ve got.
Nate, a pro-democracy rebel who hates ISIS and Assad equally, is the Syrian faction we must arm. Nate (this is a code name, we’re not stupid) is a political moderate. He’s great at killing people but only kills bad guys. He’s Muslim, but not too Muslim. Plus, he’s still alive and hasn’t been gassed to death by Assad or beheaded by ISIS or liquified by Ebola, which, given how that part of the world is going, we forecast is the next thing.
Not to be a dick, Mr. President, but it’s too bad you didn’t take our recommendation last year and arm our moderate rebel friends earlier. Back then there would have been up to five rebels who would be suitable allies but four of them have since died horribly, so Nate’s our guy. We’d better act now to send Nate 90,000 AK-47s, 4,000 rocket launchers, and 800 tanks before something happens to him too.
Because Nate’s concerned about his safety. When we emailed him (very secure ‘ he uses two-step verification on Gmail) about this plan, he IMed us, ‘Holy crap, I’m the only one you’re arming? No. They’ll kill me. Then they’ll take the guns and the tanks and the fighter jets (?! I am not a pilot) and the world will be dealing with a much worse enemy for decades to come.”
That’s why Nate is our guy. Always thinking two steps ahead. Just to be on the safe side, we’d better send him 10,000 extra guns and a nuclear submarine.
Of course, America would never fling weaponry into a dangerous conflict without strict controls. So our military should require Nate to meet the following guidelines:
* Nate should have a safe place to store the weaponry we’re sending him, like eight underground bunkers maybe. If he doesn’t have those, though, we should still send the guns and stuff. He’ll figure something out.
* Nate should make absolutely sure that none of the weapons fall into the hands of the enemy (enemy = everyone but Nate) so he will need to mount round-the-clock patrols around his bunkers, especially when he is away on missions.
* Nate prefers to work with other rebels, but none of them meet our criteria, so from now on he’s going solo. He should prepare himself to shoot his friends. (With awesome new guns at least!)
The U.S. will also need to send military personnel to train Nate in the use of his new weapons, so he should set aside some time for that. But he SHOULD NOT ask them to fight alongside him. You’ve promised not to commit U.S. combat troops to this conflict. It’s just too dangerous and uncertain and could drag on for years. That’s Nate’s job.
Mr. President, please sign off on this plan ASAP. Operation Guns For Nate is our last, best hope for peace in Syria. It’ll be tough, but the hopes of the entire planet rest with him, so we’re sure he’ll do fine.
‘Oh, hang on, he’s dead. We’re fucked.