By: John Harris
Netropolitan, a website calling itself “the social media country club for people with more money than time” launched this week, boasting a staggering membership fee of $9,000. So what exactly do you get for your money when you join Facebook for rich people?
- Supports all media file types, including GIFs of maids falling down marble staircases and butlers slipping in spilled champagne.
- After clicking the “poke” button on a friend’s page, a small Malaysian child is automatically deployed from a holding pen and journeys several thousand miles with his index finger extended to physically deliver the message.
- Selecting “Country Club Mode” hides all Jewish and black friends’ profiles.
- One-point larger font than other social media sites.
- To contact other users, simply purchase Netropolitan’s messaging feature for an additional $20,000.
- With the events feature, you’ll never miss out on another Koch brothers orgy.
- Intuitive interface is easy to use even when screaming at domestic servants.
- Each time you visit your profile, the message “WELCOME TO NETROPOLITAN. YOU HAVE A LARGE AND IMPRESSIVE PENIS” plays loudly over your device’s speakers.
- Provides excellent exposure for your yacht club improv group, The Midshipmen.
- Log in automatically simply by touching your Freemason or Skull and Bones ring to your computer screen.
- The Netropolitan app will aggressively take over and destroy all other social media apps on your smartphone and other devices.
- Targeted advertising alerts you to the latest in offshore accounts and other tax shelters.
- No filthy fucking Kennedys allowed.