What You Get When You Join “Facebook for Millionaires”

Netropolitan, a website calling itself “the social media country club for people with more money than time” launched this week, boasting a staggering membership fee of $9,000. So what exactly do you get for your money when you join Facebook for rich people?

• Supports all media file types, including GIFs of maids falling down marble staircases and butlers slipping in spilled champagne.
• After clicking the “poke” button on a friend’s page, a small Malaysian child is automatically deployed from a holding pen and journeys several thousand miles with his index finger extended to physically deliver the message.
• Selecting “Country Club Mode” hides all Jewish and black friends’ profiles.
• One-point larger font than other social media sites.
• To contact other users, simply purchase Netropolitan’s messaging feature for an additional $20,000.
• With the events feature, you’ll never miss out on another Koch brothers orgy.
• Intuitive interface is easy to use even when screaming at domestic servants.
• Each time you visit your profile, the message “WELCOME TO NETROPOLITAN. YOU HAVE A LARGE AND IMPRESSIVE PENIS” plays loudly over your device’s speakers.
• Provides excellent exposure for your yacht club improv group, The Midshipmen.
• Log in automatically simply by touching your Freemason or Skull and Bones ring to your computer screen.
• The Netropolitan app will aggressively take over and destroy all other social media apps on your smartphone and other devices.
• Targeted advertising alerts you to the latest in offshore accounts and other tax shelters.
• No filthy fucking Kennedys allowed.