By: John Harris

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What You Get When You Join “Facebook for Millionaires”

Netropolitan, a website calling itself “the social media country club for people with more money than time” launched this week, boasting a staggering membership fee of $9,000. So what exactly do you get for your money when you join Facebook for rich people?

  • Supports all media file types, including GIFs of maids falling down marble staircases and butlers slipping in spilled champagne.
  • After clicking the “poke” button on a friend’s page, a small Malaysian child is automatically deployed from a holding pen and journeys several thousand miles with his index finger extended to physically deliver the message.
  • Selecting “Country Club Mode” hides all Jewish and black friends’ profiles.
  • One-point larger font than other social media sites.
  • To contact other users, simply purchase Netropolitan’s messaging feature for an additional $20,000.
  • With the events feature, you’ll never miss out on another Koch brothers orgy.
  • Intuitive interface is easy to use even when screaming at domestic servants.
  • Each time you visit your profile, the message “WELCOME TO NETROPOLITAN. YOU HAVE A LARGE AND IMPRESSIVE PENIS” plays loudly over your device’s speakers.
  • Provides excellent exposure for your yacht club improv group, The Midshipmen.
  • Log in automatically simply by touching your Freemason or Skull and Bones ring to your computer screen.
  • The Netropolitan app will aggressively take over and destroy all other social media apps on your smartphone and other devices.
  • Targeted advertising alerts you to the latest in offshore accounts and other tax shelters.
  • No filthy fucking Kennedys allowed.

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