By: Mike Scollins

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Apology Letter from the Guy Who’s Been Moving the Ouija Board

OK, so if you’ve read the title, the hard part is already out of the way. Last year, when we were all playing Ouija, I was moving my fingers. To all of my friends I deceived, I’m very sorry.

To be fair, my intentions were good. (Initially.) I was trying to save the party. (Initially.) As I’m sure you remember, Beth invited a bunch of us over and, until the Ouija board was brought out, the night was VERY BORING. It was BYOB and, no offense to Beth, but BYOB is not a party. Imagine if I were like, ‘Hey guys, you’re all invited to my birthday. In addition to gifts, please bring cake and ice cream.”

Anyways, the whole thing was really dull and when we were going through Beth’s parents’ cabinets looking for some pills or cough medicine or whatever, we came across the Ouija board. And then we opened it despite the fact that there’s no such thing as ghosts and any adult who says that there is, is just doing so for attention.

We put our fingers on the little triangle-y thing and Rich asked, ‘Are there any spirits out there?” OBVIOUSLY NOTHING HAPPENED. For four full minutes we sat there like assholes thinking, ‘Maybe it’s a long trip from hell ‘”, ‘Maybe they’re stuck in ghost traffic ‘” Never did it occur to anyone at the party that maybe ghosts aren’t real and that’s why we weren’t talking to any. So I moved my fingers ever so slightly and spelled out, ‘Yes, there is a spirit here. I murdered some kids once. It was fun and I would like to murder again.”

This is part of the story where I place some of the blame on the rest of you. I wrote that this particular Ouija board was inhabited by a CHILD MURDERER thinking it would make you wanna stop playing and we could finally go home. But you guys thought it was cool. You were like, ‘Oh fun, a murderer’s here, let’s ask if my Nana likes Heaven!” (Also, sorry for spelling out ‘She not IN Heaven” but I just never cared much for your Nana.) Long story short, we kept playing. You asked more questions ( ‘Who will I marry?”) and I provided more answers ( ‘No one, you’re gross.”)

Here’s the thing ‘ after you move your fingers once on an Ouija board, it becomes infinitely easier to do it a second time. So I got a little cocky. ‘You should have bought a keg for this party,” I spelled out on the board. ‘Oh wow ‘ how did the ghost know Beth was cheap and made us bring our own drinks?! This is spooky you guys ‘” (Also YOU’RE WELCOME cause it worked ‘ Beth ran out immediately to get a keg and the party finally picked up.)

We continued talking to a dead guy and I continued acting surprised when he replied.

‘How did the spirit know I could bench that much?! I have chills!! ‘
‘Oh my god I can’t believe the murderer knew my dick was that big! I’m so embarrassed you all know my secret!”

Truly an Oscar worthy performance on my part. None of you guys questioned the authenticity and, since the party finally had beers, I figured we’d keep playing and at least get a good buzz.

‘Teddy, I command you to be designated driver tonight and give us all rides home!” ‘Oof. Better do what he says, Ted. He kills people after all ‘” I warned as I refilled my Solo cup. ‘If you ever want to see your family again, you’ll leave an Xbox One on the back porch before the new moon!” I was drunk on power and also PBR.

This is the point in the story where I owe Jessica an EXTRA apology. When I made the Ouija board say your parents were gonna die in a car crash the next day, it was just cause I was mad you had a boyfriend. I had no idea that was actually going to happen and I promise that I was just as shocked as you were. The only silver lining was it gave my Ouija prank a shocking amount of credence. But seriously, it was just a lucky coincidence. And that night when we brought back out the board to try and contact them and it said, ‘only if you show us your tits” ‘ again that was me and I had no idea you were really going to do it. I feel sooooo bad.

So I guess that’s the long and the short of it. It took a while for the guilt to settle in cause I’ve been playing my XBoxes but I DO really feel badly. Hope we can move past this and next time just play like Apples to Apples or something. Also before you get too pissed, remember that we did get a keg out of it.

Sorry for the past 365 nightmares,

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