By: News

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Midterm Election Ballot Measures By State

In addition to several hotly contested congressional races, also determined this November 4th will be the fate of dozens of state ballot initiatives. Here are just a few of the measures brought to vote by jobless crackpots with enough time on their hands to gather the thousands of signatures necessary to have them included on the ticket and decided by apathetic assholes like you who won’t bother finding out what they’re for before pulling the lever.

Click on a state and look below the map to see what locals are voting on there.

Wyoming: Proposition 221: Allows for the redrawing of state lines to make Wyoming appear as a cube on maps.

California: Proposition 19: Prohibits homosexuals from marrying wildfires.

Colorado: Proposition 112: Limits conversations about different strains of marijuana to 10 minutes per day; 3 minutes per day for those holding Frisbees.

Pennsylvania: Proposition 98: Allocates funds to make northeastern region of state even more depressing.

Nevada: Proposition 34: Allows whatever remaining horribly dangerous and socially irresponsible things that aren’t already legal.

Montana: Proposition 9: Keeps name of state ‘Montana” for 125th consecutive year.

West Virginia: Allows mining companies to excavate citizens’ skulls in search of coal and other valuable minerals (sponsored by Raven Crest Mining, LLC).

Florida: Proposition 124: Allows alligators wearing hats and sunglasses access to public libraries.

South Dakota: Proposition 12: Allocates funds to retrofit jaws of Mount Rushmore presidents with a hydraulic system, allowing state to charge fast food companies for the service of having the gigantic sculpture sing their jingles in four-part harmony at 240 decibels.
South Dakota: Proposition 13: Allocates funds for multidirectional, super-high-intensity LED lights to shoot from the eyes of the Mount Rushmore presidents, allowing state to charge fast food companies for the service of having their logos projected in a frenetic strobe effect up to 19 miles away.
South Dakota: Proposition 14: Allocates funds to compensate visitors to Mount Rushmore blinded and/or deafened by Carl’s, Jr.’s Mount Rushmore ‘.

Nebraska: Proposition 3: Approval for even one single distinguishing natural feature.

Alabama: Proposition 18: Allows for county sheriffs to advise smart mouth city boys to just keep right on movin’.

Oklahoma: Proposition 11: Approves official contingency plan for if a tornado collides with a supercomputer and becomes sentient.

New Mexico: Proposition 22: Limits methamphetamine users to 19 iterations over a 24-hour time period of disassembling and reassembling a riding lawnmower in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Missouri: Proposition 1: Prohibits Missouri from being part of national conversation on any issue for 50 years.

Hawaii: Proposition 24: $10 Billion bond to induce the Earth to create an beautiful new Hawaiian island.

Georgia: Proposition 32: Increases the cap on number of fish patrons are allowed to look at during visits to the Georgia Aquarium.

New York: Proposition 23: Legalizes just once sticking your hand out and smacking the face of a subway conductor as he or she goes by.

Indiana: Proposition 979,864,947: Limits number of yearly ballot initiatives to six.

East Dakota: Allocates state funds to convince people East Dakota is a real state.

Alaska: Proposition 31: Allocates funds to remove graffiti from Trans-Alaska pipeline that makes it look like a 800-mile-long dong.

Washington: Proposition 42: Mandates a three-day waiting period before getting a tattoo of an orca.

Oregon: Proposition 50: Bans Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein from entering any privately-owned small businesses.

Arizona: Proposition 32: Bans capturing rattlesnakes and hot-gluing small beehive hairstyle wigs onto their heads before releasing them back into the wild.

Utah: Proposition 98: Allocates funds to destroy rock formation in Monument Valley that looks like Jesus masturbating.

Idaho: Proposition 111: Legalizes internet use (for potatoes only).

North Dakota: Proposition 906: Approves $300 million offer to Laura Dern to move to the state, so there will be one notable thing about North Dakota.

Minnesota: Proposition 191: Allocates defense funds to reclaim Mall of America from militant separatists.

Wisconsin: Proposition 100: Petitions Catholic Church to replace the Eucharist with a cheese disc.

Kansas: Proposition 599: Makes a tornado full of sparrows the official state bird.

Iowa: Proposition 90: Raises speed limit on some highways to 200 mph for people just trying to get through the godforsaken state as quickly as possible.

Michigan: Proposition 55: Allocates funds to make one really huge PT Cruiser to bring Detroit back from the brink.

Ohio: Proposition 177: Allows Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame to trick John Mellencamp into thinking he is being inducted so he can be shoved into a sack and tossed into Lake Erie.

Mississippi: Proposition 310: Installs “Racism Jars” across state, into which residents are required to deposit a nickel whenever they do or say something racist.

Louisiana: Proposition 139: Lifts all voodoo curses from 1996 and earlier.

Tennessee: Proposition 221: Reinforces northern border to prevent increasingly overweight Kentuckians from crushing the state.

Kentucky: Proposition 121: Gives bourbon barrels representation in the state government.

Massachusetts: Proposition 322: Replaces image on state quarter with a fat guy in swim trunks wearing a Red Sox hat being pinched on the rear end by a lobster.

New Hampshire: Proposition 901: Allows residents to just wander into the wilderness and be forgotten forever.

Rhode Island: Proposition 909: Allocates funds to erect large sign in downtown Providence reading “Days Without A Decent Farrelly Brothers Movie” with movable numbers.

Connecticut: Proposition 124: Allocates funds for big pizza parties to stave off class warfare in areas where some of the poorest communities in the nation abut some of the wealthiest.

Vermont: Proposition 201: Replaces State Police sidearms with devil sticks.

Maine: Proposition 90: Allocates funds to erect border fence to keep native strippers from escaping to Montreal.

Delaware: Proposition 46: Designates Methadone the official state bird.

New Jersey: Proposition 12: Initiative stating that the Mafia does not in any way have influence over the political sector of the state of New Jersey, capisce?

Maryland: Proposition 125: Allows homeowners to humanely trap senators who go through their garbage at night and release them back into Washington D.C.

Virginia: Proposition 34: Allows for no more than three horses to serve on a jury.

Arkansas: Porpsishun 87: Aks for mor $$$ fer public educashun or fer er sweet Camera pendin on a person a preferns.

Illinois: Proposition 21: Would officially make Railsplitters, an Abraham Lincoln-themed gay bar, a State Heritage Site.

North Carolina: Proposition 43: Would officially change state name to “North Cackalacka” and allocate funds to fit southern border with huge spinner rims.

South Carolina: Proposition 211: Changes “walk” indicator on crosswalk signs to a little man doing The Charleston; makes it illegal to cross the street in a manner other than The Charleston.

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