Half the World’s Wildlife is Gone, Leaving Only Winner Animals

According to the World Wildlife Foundation, half of the world’s wildlife has disappeared since 1970. Nature lovers can agree: This is great news. If we’ve lost exactly half our animals, they were clearly the weakest half. The animals that remain are lean, mean, not-going-extinct machines. They’ve shed the (literally) dead weight of their wussier animal colleagues and they’re now poised to make a major comeback.

How did the survivors do it? Here’s how some of those winner animals triumphed over their extinct loser friends.

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Black bears formed a union for collective bargaining.

This fish survived by finding industrial waste delicious.

This tiger sold his own paws to poachers. He used to have 127 paws.

These apes survived by inventing streamable video content.

This wolf survived by telling people she was a labradoodle who got dusty.

Lonesome George the tortoise, the last of his species, survived for 102 years, then faked his death and went on the lam.

This owl avoided being killed by hunters by being like “Seriously? Come on.”

This Orca whale just put her head down, worked hard, and got a scholarship to Princeton.

Unicorns survived by pretending to be horses (horses are long extinct).

Rhinos survived by hiding behind the cast of Modern Family.

Slow lorises survived by successfully building nuclear weapons.