The Ebola Patient Probably Coughed On Your Latte

Don’t freak out about Ebola, Americans. There is only one person within our borders who has tested positive for the virus, and he only had contact with 15 people while he was infected. Wait, 80 people. Wait, 100 people, including a bunch of kids.

Ebola patient Thomas Eric Duncan, who contracted the disease in his home country of Liberia, went to a Dallas hospital when he first displayed symptoms. Due to a miscommunication with hospital staff, he was then sent home for two days, during which time he had contact with health workers, his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s five children, and a number of others. The CDC keeps increasing the number of people who may have come in contact with the disease: First 15, then 80, then today it’s 100, according to CNN. I feel like this time tomorrow they’re going to admit that Duncan spent those two days giving wet willies to the entire Dallas metro area.