By: Mike Scollins
Funny Or Die Sends an Intern to Central Perk
FUNNY OR DIE NEW YORK OFFICES – 3:00pm ‘Dick jokes make me sleepy. I need some coffee.”
‘Starbucks? Dunkin? Third option?”
‘Wait, there’s a NEW coffee shop that just opened up – CENTRAL PERK! Let’s send a stupid intern!”
‘I’d be happy to! Let me find out what everyone wants!”
‘What the fuck are you doing at my desk, shitdick? I told you never to ‘oh, wait, yes I want coffee.”
‘Lemme get a 12pk of Lime-a-Ritas and, if they don’t have that, a soy chai.”
‘Wow. This line’s actually pretty long. Wonder how far it stretches.”
‘Oh shiiiiit. Central Perk must be a popular New Yorker place for coffee on the go ‘”
‘I wonder what’s taking that needledick, Michael, so long.”
‘I think his name’s Danny?”
‘Who fucking cares what his name is?”
A full two hours later ‘This is actually really bad.”
‘Masturbating into a urinal is fun but, without coffee, it’s just gonna make us more sleepy.”
‘I think I’m finally almost there!”
‘Fuck. Nope, I’m not. I hope they still have the almond milk Matt wanted.”
‘They better still have the fucking almond milk I wanted.”
A full four hours later ‘WAIT A MINUTE THIS IS FROM THE SHOW SEINFEL ‘I MEAN F ‘R ‘I ‘E ‘N ‘D ‘S!”
‘Oh my God it’s Gunther!!!”
‘If Ryan doesn’t have a good explanation for what’s taking so long, I’m gonna murder his whole fucking family. I’ve murdered before and would definitely do it again.”
‘I think his name’s Danny?”
‘Who fucking cares what his name is?”
‘I don’t recall the episode where they had signed copies of the show they were filming on the wall ‘”
‘More like ‘The One Where They Sold Out’ LOL I’m gonna have to remember that one for the guys in the office! THE OFFICE! Now THAT was a show!”
A full five hours later ‘Um, I have AA at six and their coffee is fucking gross.”
‘Someday I’d like to have F ‘r ‘i ‘e ‘n ‘d ‘s of my own!”
‘Oh shit! I’m supposed to be getting coffee! I feel like I’m gonna be in a lot of trouble when I get back.”
‘To be honest, I’m not ‘brewing’ very well at all. I think I’m gonna be in trouble for taking so long.”
‘Oh ok thanks for this but can I actually get two large vanilla soy lattes, a medium almond milk ‘”
‘I am so fucked when they find out this place is one per customer.”
‘Um, excuse me, ma'am, is there someone else I can talk to? Is Rachel Green working today?
A full eight hours later ‘The good news is, it was FREE. The bad news is, it’s one per customer.”
‘WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, BILL?!”
‘It’s Danny ‘”
‘WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT YOUR NAME IS?!”
‘WORK IS OVER, TED!” ‘MY EYES! I NEED THEM!”
‘Now get the FUCK out of here! Don’t you ever fucking come back.”
‘When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year ‘”
‘Thanks for coming in. Tell me why you’re interested in interning at Funny Or Die.”
