By: Funny Or Die
14 Ways for UBER to Expand its Business
Uber, the popular and often controversial rideshare service is growing by roughly 50,000 new drivers a month in cities nationwide. Here are some ways for it to expand even further:
- One free ride for anyone who takes a shit in a Lyft.
- Forget where customers say they want to go. Take them someplace better.
- Give drivers little backstories like the American Girl Dolls.
- Get some sucker to order an Uber to the moon for a billion dollars then fucking cash out.
- No longer allow drivers to brutally attack customers with a hammer unless it’s their birthday.
- Rally political support to eliminate the many taxi monopolies across the country and go with one big monopoly instead.
- Allow frequent Uber users to unlock secret racetracks like “Dinosaur Highway” and “Rainbow Road.”
- Add a service where, for the duration of any stoplights, a driver will cut your hair.
- Use reverse psychology by actively telling people that Uber doesn’t want their business.
- Partner with Tinder so that users can swipe through a variety of drivers to find the hottest one.
- Cut off everyone’s legs.
- Make it so surge pricing now comes with a free Surge Soda! Remember the ’90s?
- Unveil new “UberPG” service where you can call a car and have actor Paul Giamatti ride around in the backseat with you.
- If four or more customers agree to share a van ride, Uber will find a mystery for them to solve.