14 Ways for UBER to Expand its Business

Uber, the popular and often controversial rideshare service is growing by roughly 50,000 new drivers a month in cities nationwide. Here are some ways for it to expand even further:

• One free ride for anyone who takes a shit in a Lyft.
• Forget where customers say they want to go. Take them someplace better.
• Give drivers little backstories like the American Girl Dolls.
• Get some sucker to order an Uber to the moon for a billion dollars then fucking cash out.
• No longer allow drivers to brutally attack customers with a hammer unless it’s their birthday.
• Rally political support to eliminate the many taxi monopolies across the country and go with one big monopoly instead.
• Allow frequent Uber users to unlock secret racetracks like “Dinosaur Highway” and “Rainbow Road.”
• Add a service where, for the duration of any stoplights, a driver will cut your hair.
• Use reverse psychology by actively telling people that Uber doesn’t want their business.
• Partner with Tinder so that users can swipe through a variety of drivers to find the hottest one.
• Cut off everyone’s legs.
• Make it so surge pricing now comes with a free Surge Soda! Remember the ’90s?
• Unveil new “UberPG” service where you can call a car and have actor Paul Giamatti ride around in the backseat with you.
• If four or more customers agree to share a van ride, Uber will find a mystery for them to solve.