We Interview the Piece of Shit Behind ‘Modern Twin Peaks,’ Twitter’s Stupidest New Parody Account

This week, David Lynch surprised Twin Peaks fans with the announcement that his beloved cult series will be returning to television in 2016, exactly 25 years after the end of the show’s original run. So, of course, some asshole had to immediately go and make a parody account about what Twin Peaks would look like in the year 2016.

We had the sincere displeasure of sitting down with 29-year-old Kevin Randall, the little shit behind @ModernTwinPeaks, the laziest and least original parody account on the internet. Here’s what he had to say for himself.

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FoD: Were you aware when you got this idea that there are already several parody Twitter accounts exploring what popular TV shows would look like in ‘modern” times?

KR: Well, I’ve always been a big fan of ‘Modern Seinfeld,’ but my one problem with that idea was that I hadn’t thought of it. So when this Twin Peaks announcement happened, I was like, ‘This is is my chance to really do something big. Something different. ‘

FoD: How is this any different from 'Modern Seinfeld’?

KR: Well, mine’s about Twin Peaks.

FoD: I see. Let’s take a look at your first tweet from the @ModernTwinPeaks account, which you hastily created shortly after hearing that the show was coming back. Walk me through your thought process here:

KR: Well, see, on the original Twin Peaks, Agent Cooper was always drinking coffee and saying things like, ‘That’s damn good coffee,” so I figured it might be fun to see what type of new, more modern beverages he might drink in 2016. ‘And hey, 13 retweets and 19 favorites later, the rest is sorta history!

FoD: OK, but why wouldn’t he still just drink coffee in 2016? I mean, they had diet soda 25 years ago and he didn’t drink it then.

KR: Ah, but see, they didn’t have Pepsi Next back then. That’s relatively new. Do you see what I’m saying? Comedy is all about taking a thing from a long time ago and putting it with a thing that exists right now.

FoD: The bio for @ModernTwinPeaks refers to it as: ‘THE Hottest New Parody Account On Twitter.” How many followers do you currently have?

KR: We’re currently at 78.

FoD: That’s all? Doesn’t seem like people like it very much.

KR: Well, I’m just getting started. I’m hoping to eventually come out of this thing with several high-paying book deals.

FoD: Ugh, you are the worst. Speaking of books, you sure are milking a lot of material from the idea of e-readers replacing traditional books in the Twin Peaks universe:

KR: Yeah, I’m really proud of those two. It’s like, you’re laughing, but you’re also like, ‘Oh, It would be like that. ‘ You know?

FoD: No, I don’t. It seems like you’re just sort of mashing lame references together and passing them off as jokes.

KR: [stares blankly for a long time] ‘It’s Twin Peaks, but modern.

FoD: I guess no one can argue with that! I mean, you spell it out pretty hard in a lot of these:

KR: That last one refers to the character ‘The Log Lady,” except now it’s more modern so she’s the BLOG Lady ‘ do you get it?

FoD: Yeah, I get it. So what exactly is your endgame here? To keep farting out these tweets until someone gives you a book deal? Because I think you might be waiting a long time for that.

KR: Well, my real goal is to eventually turn ‘Modern Twin Peaks’ into a TV show.

FoD: And what would that look like? Besides shitty?

KR: It’s gonna be great, it’ll be just like the Twitter, but in show form. You know, just sort of exploring what Twin Peaks would be like in 2016.

FoD: So, let me get this straight: You’re proposing doing a show about what Twin Peaks would be like in the year 2016, when it was just announced that there are going to be actual new episodes of the real Twin Peaks that will actually air in 2016?

KR: Yeah but mine would be funny! It would be like a cross between Shit My Dad Says and Lost.

FoD: ‘Why not a cross between Shit My Dad Says and Twin Peaks?

KR: Oh, I haven’t seen that show.

FoD: You haven’t SEEN Twin Peaks? Where do you get the material for your tweets from?

KR: I just type ‘Twin Peaks references” into Google in one browser window, and then ‘modern things” into another. It’s super easy.

FoD: You have to look up the modern things, too? Fuck, man, what’s wrong with you? Some of these things aren’t even that modern!:

FoD: CYBER CAFE? If anything, those were around closer to the time of original series than they are to now!

KR: Hey, chill, baby. That one’s about Agent Cooper and the Kindlehouse Boys finding an OLD cyber cafe that’s been shut down for a while. Here, check this one out, it’s totally topical:

FoD: OK, I’ll admit that one’s actually kinda good.

Fuck it, everyone go follow @ModernTwinPeaks on Twitter and remember: THE OWLS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM.