By: News

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Updates to the Secret Service Manual

The Secret Service, seen in their current non-see-through sunglasses and soundproof helmets.

The Secret Service’s leader has resigned in the wake of a number of security failures, including an incident where a felon carrying a gun shared an elevator with President Obama, and another where a random guy got backstage by claiming falsely to be a congressman.

In response, the Secret Service has announced a number of changes to their policies, including the following.

  • President’s guard detail will begin rotating bathroom breaks, instead of all going at the same time
  • No more taking weekends off on the theory that ‘Malia’s got this”
  • Replace current opaque sunglasses with see-through ones
  • If a guy asks if he can hold your gun, you have to say no
  • Update training manual to reflect that no, black presidents are not ‘too strong to be shot”
  • All blind Secret Service agents must have their guide dogs with them at all times
  • If someone tries to shoot the president, go check it out
  • Stop letting people just walk up and high-five the president if they ‘look okay”
  • Just because an agent can juggle, it doesn’t necessarily mean he or she should juggle
  • Discharging of sidearms in a sort of arc pattern around the president at all times
  • Explains that those sniffer dogs agents walk around with are not just to keep them from being lonely
  • No, your buddy Clyde from the gym cannot pick up some hours as a sniper
  • New morning pump-up chant: ‘who’s gonna keep the president alive? We gonna keep the president alive! Who’s gonna keep the president alive? I said we gonna keep the president alive!” then everybody clinks guns
  • Remind everyone how embarrassed they’d be if the president got assassinated

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