Updates to the Secret Service Manual

The Secret Service’s leader has resigned in the wake of a number of security failures, including an incident where a felon carrying a gun shared an elevator with President Obama, and another where a random guy got backstage by claiming falsely to be a congressman.

In response, the Secret Service has announced a number of changes to their policies, including the following.

• President’s guard detail will begin rotating bathroom breaks, instead of all going at the same time
• No more taking weekends off on the theory that ‘Malia’s got this”
• Replace current opaque sunglasses with see-through ones
• If a guy asks if he can hold your gun, you have to say no
• Update training manual to reflect that no, black presidents are not ‘too strong to be shot”
• All blind Secret Service agents must have their guide dogs with them at all times
• If someone tries to shoot the president, go check it out
• Stop letting people just walk up and high-five the president if they ‘look okay”
• Just because an agent can juggle, it doesn’t necessarily mean he or she should juggle
• Discharging of sidearms in a sort of arc pattern around the president at all times
• Explains that those sniffer dogs agents walk around with are not just to keep them from being lonely
• No, your buddy Clyde from the gym cannot pick up some hours as a sniper
• New morning pump-up chant: ‘who’s gonna keep the president alive? We gonna keep the president alive! Who’s gonna keep the president alive? I said we gonna keep the president alive!” then everybody clinks guns
• Remind everyone how embarrassed they’d be if the president got assassinated