Midwestern Family Too Polite to Walk Out on Wildly Offensive College Comedy Show
By: Griffin Leeds
This past Saturday, in the Indiana Memorial Union, Tom and Shelly Vance found their Midwestern values put to the ultimate test when they and their 2.6 children attended a comedy show that was a little raunchier than they anticipated.
“We were visiting for the weekend,” explained Tom Vance. “Steven is a sophomore at Zionsville Community High School. We were thinking there’s no such thing as starting college visits too early. We decided to make a whole day of it. As soon as our daughter’s youth soccer was done, we made the trip down to Bloomington.”
Helping plan their son’s academic future was the main item on their agenda. However,they couldn’t predict what was in store for them and their mild-mannered tastes as they wandered aimlessly around the Indiana Memorial Union later that afternoon.
“Our youngest pointed out the sign advertising a comedy show that would be starting in the Frankipanki Room in a few minutes,” elaborated Shelly Vance. “Am I saying that right? Frankipanki?”
“It was free and we thought how it must be our lucky day,” added Tom Vance. “Steven was really liking the feel of the campus. We thought it would be a hilarious way to top off the day.”
The only hilarious thing was how oblivious the Vance family was of what was to come. As the lights went down in the Frangipani Room, they quickly realized their mistake.
“A lot of it was a blur, but I remember them using a lot of strong language,”recalled Tom Vance.
We were able to get in touch with Junior, Danny Fritz, a member of the comedy troupe that performed. He shared his brief interaction with the Vance family before the show.
“They came up to me before taking their seats. The dad asked me if the show was family friendly. I didn’t really know what to say,” Fritz explained, taking off his baseball cap with “DTF?” printed across the front and scratching his head.”The signs clearly say that our troupe is called ‘Shart Attack’. I thought he’d get the idea, but he kept going on about how his kids had seen Mama Mia! before and that they’d be fine. I’m truly shocked that they sat through the whole thing.”
Regardless,the family was steadfast in their convictions. “Of course, it was a very awkward situation to be in as a loving parent, but we wouldn’t just walk out of there,” Tom Vance assured.
“I don’t think I have heard the F-word used so freely in public,” Shelly said,brushing away her youngest who was persistently asking, “Mommy, what’s ‘lubrication’ mean?”
“It was certainly a cringe-worthy experience.We were even right by the door, but we wouldn’t dare risk the possibility of potentially maybe drawing attention to our leaving in the middle of a performance,” Shelly Vance made clear.
“We are concerned parents and have our priorities in the right place,” continued Tom Vance. “We have to be good role models to our children, even if it means sitting anxiously while their innocence is irreversibly corrupted.”
“It turns out that college students have a very distinct sense of humor,” whimpered Shelly Vance as she regarded the bleeding stubs that remained of her fingernails. “We know better now.”
“Of course, we’re still looking on the bright side,” a grim Tom Vance voiced as he jingled his keys in his pockets, “For instance, Steven seemed to get a kick out of it. Secondly, we have an hour-and-a-half car ride home ahead of us. Perhaps we’ll be able to fill the long silence by answering any questions our kids may have after what they saw and heard tonight.”
The comedy troupe, Shart Attack, will be holding another show next Saturday at 6pm in The Georgian Room.