FAQ: Mystery Air Force Space Plane Returns

Every week Funny Or Die News brings you a new FAQ, so you can get your news facts bullet-pointed straight into your brain.

The Air Force’s mysterious space plane, the X-37B Orbital Test Vehicle, returned to Earth after two years in orbit. While the Air Force discloses when the plane takes off and lands, what happens in between is a highly classified secret. To shed some space light on this black hole, consult the following FAQ.

Exactly how long was the plane gone?
22 Earth months, and 9,000 years where the plane was.

Why is it called X37-B?
‘Dr Comet’s Rockin’ Space Jalopy” was deemed not sinister enough.

What was on the secret space plane?
The term ‘secret space plane” sort of already answers that question.

What is this spacecraft capable of?
We know that the X-37B Orbital has a payload bay that opens up in space. So it could be used for bringing something secret to space and/or bringing something back from space. Kinda like how a fish hook can be used to bring bait into the ocean and can be used to bring horrifying monsters back from it.

Is it possible the Air Force is developing some sort of top secret space weapon?
There is no evidence to support this, other than roughly 80 years of U.S. history relating to the development of secret weapons.

We’re all going to die, right?
Yes, whether directly due to this, or for some other reason.

Will there be more launches like this one?
One of the only things we know about the X-37B Orbital mission is that there will be more. So whatever it is doing must be important and no one will stand in the way of there being more. No one.

I thought that NASA’s shuttle program was too expensive to maintain, so how are we still doing this?
You can cut costs by approximately 30% for a government program if you make it shadowy.

Is The X-37B Orbital manned?
No. It’s not manned [raise of single eyebrow followed by evil laugh, implying presence of alien life forms on board].

But probably it is just a reusable satellite that can be reconfigured and sent back up rather than just left in space as garbage, right?
Yeah, I guess that kinda makes sense too.