By: John Harris
Recently, tech giants Apple and Facebook announced new benefits programs wherein the companies offered to pay for female employees to have their eggs frozen to assuage any concerns they might have about sacrificing their reproductive prime to pursue a career in a very competitive industry. Funny Or Die has obtained the following internal memorandum that Apple, Inc. sent to its female workers as a follow-up to launching this unusual new policy.
To: All Female Employees
From: Human Resources
Subject: Participation In The Ova Freezing Program
We’ve noticed that many of you have not signed up to have your eggs frozen by the company, and we just want to take a moment to urge you to think seriously about this program. After all, it would seem that your reluctance to commit your most fertile years to Apple, Inc. instead of starting a family in the conventional sense hints at a less than total commitment to the best and most innovative tech corporation in human history!
We, of course, welcome an open dialogue to address your concerns related to the program. Additionally, we would really like to resolve this sooner rather than later, as the Apple iMother 3.0 Centralized Caregiving Hub is nearly ready for beta testing, and will require live human offspring to determine whether it can effectively feed and nurture several dozen babies simultaneously at 700% increased efficiency as compared to human mothers.
Please consider how having ‘your” child live out its entire life on the grounds of the Apple, Inc. campus ensures that you will be able to continue uninterrupted with your career by freeing yourself from the bonds of hands-on child rearing. In fact, after your harvested eggs are batch-fertilized from our immense reserves of Steve Jobs’ semen, it is essentially irrelevant that you know, specifically, which child has sprung from your genetic material; you will instead be encouraged to think of all Apple Babies ‘ as your own children, as they will think of the Apple iMother 3.0 Centralized Caregiving Hub as their 19-foot-tall, multi-armed, loudly whirring mommy.
And just think of how proud you’ll be when, after six-months of protein slurry force-feeding and bioelectric muscle stimulation, your precious little ones are ready to seamlessly enter the Apple workforce! And by workforce, we naturally mean the 6.2-million-gallon tank of warm saline solution where they will be wired into a nuerokinetic grid, at which point the essence of Steve Jobs will be downloaded from iCloud into their collective consciousness, allowing him to use their combined cognitive power to resume control of Apple before disrupting the free-will paradigm of the planet’s population!
So again, please think hard about taking advantage of this wonderful benefits program.
Additionally, in the interest of sparing everyone a second memo, please note that there are several new varieties of gluten-free cereal in the cafeteria!