13 Ways the IOC Is Making Hosting the 2022 Winter Olympics More Enticing

Oslo is now the fourth city to pull out of the running to host the 2022 Winter Olympics, leaving Beijing and Almaty (Kazakhstan) as the only bids still in contention (source). Some are already dubbing these “The Olympics Nobody Wanted.” Here are 13 ways the International Olympic Committee is trying to sweeten the pot.

• Add new crowd-pleasing event, “Real Cold Gymnastics.”
• Athletes having insane sex in the Olympic Village will be made an Olympic sport and televised.
• Gold medals will actually be made of gold this time instead of radioactive beryllium like previous three Winter Olympics.
• Save money on fabric by making ice costumes even skimpier.
• 5,000 slaves currently being used to build Qatar’s World Cup facilities will be donated to building the facilities in your country.
• All athletes must provide their own ice.
• Add new event where you just see whether Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt can make it across a frozen pond faster wearing only a pair of wool socks.
• It’s OK if snowboard half pipe is just the one Cameron and his friends made, rubbed down with a bag of ice.
• If you just straight up give the IOC $5 million and can keep a secret they’re cool with you not actually putting on the Winter Olympics and just saying you did. Literally no one will notice.
• Host countries will receive 100 free “I Hosted The 2022 Winter Olympics And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” T-shirts.
• Olympic Village McDonald’s can double as the Ice Dancing Rink.
• Will ban the French from competing because of how funny it will be when they get all indignant.
• All events will be condensed into single “Champion of the Snow” competition where all athletes run down a large hill at the same time. Whoever makes it to the bottom alive wins entire Olympics.