By: News

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Police, Feel Free to Use Lethal Force Against the Pumpkin Rioters

Violence broke out this weekend in previously sleepy Keene, New Hampshire. At the annual Pumpkin Festival, rioters threw liquor bottles, started fires, and clashed with police.

Who were these protesters? Were they oppressed people protesting for injustice? Yes, yes they were. They were largely white college students whose house parties were unjustly shut down due to noise complaints.

But the perfect justice of their cause is no excuse. After a terrible summer of police violence in Ferguson and across the nation, the lesson is clear: Police should shoot those pumpkin rioters.

Let me explain. I support police officers. I support their right to be safe, whether from a white college student overturning cars and throwing glass in people’s faces, or a black teenager walking down the street. I support their right to shoot any and all frat boys that they deem necessary within the Keene city limits.

The Keene PD are already using riot gear and pepper spray, but there’s no need to be shy. Like police departments all over the nation, Keene, NH, has a stunning arsenal of weaponry to be used against unruly crowds. They even have an armored BearCat vehicle, much like the one used by the Ferguson Police Department, which they requested specifically to protect the Pumpkin Festival. See? John Oliver pointed it out in August.

If they don’t bust that thing out, I will sue them for defrauding taxpayers.

Perhaps the Keene Police Department would prefer not shoot rioters dead because they are worried that that is illegal. While they are technically correct, I would like to point out that some other news this week: it appears that Officer Darren Wilson is unlikely to be indicted for shooting Michael Brown six times in the head and torso. So Keene police officers, you are unlikely to be indicted for shooting, say, these people six times in the head and torso.

I am not at all saying that you should shoot these particular people. Not even the one trashing a car in an infinity scarf. I am just saying that you should shoot the people you feel you need to shoot to save the pumpkins and you will probably get away with it. #IAmDarrenWilson. #IAmWhicheverOfYouShootsAKappa’sBaseballCapRightOff.

Perhaps cops are also worried that it would be morally wrong to shoot these people. It’s hard to argue with that. Then again, look at this guy.

No big deal, just takin’ a selfie with the riot police, feeling very safe while ruining a nice pumpkin thing for no reason.

Here is something a protester pumpkin rioter said. “It’s just like a rush. You’re revolting from the cops ‘ It’s a blast to do things that you’re not supposed to do,” the 18-year-old man, who was visiting from Massachusetts, told the Keene Sentinel.

Again, cops, I am not saying you should shoot that kid. I am just saying that Darren Wilson claims Michael Brown grabbed his gun. It would not be hard to persuade people that fun-loving revelers like the above Massachusetts treasure grabbed your guns. I feel confident that if I stood next to that guy and said loudly, “Yo bro, you know what would be sick? If you grabbed a cop’s gun. YOLO,” he would do it.

So, to sum up: If the police are going to shoot a lot of black teenagers who are not up to much, if they’re going to gas and intimidate and injure a bunch of civil rights protesters, that is all fine, as long as they also use lethal force against a bunch of pasty, privileged, pumpkin-ruining assholes.

Think of the pumpkins.

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