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FAQ: Secret Russian Submarine

Every week Funny Or Die News brings you a new FAQ, so you can get your news facts bullet-pointed straight into your brain.

The Swedish military is continuing their search for the source of a Russian distress signal they received last week in their coastal waters, possibly from a covert Russian submarine (source). Russia so far has denied any knowledge of the source of the radio signal.

Why would Russia be patrolling Swedish waters?
They could be mapping the waters for future use or planting equipment or who knows why does Russia anything? Just to be dicks, probably.

Where is the sub now?
No doubt cowering in fear of the mighty Swedish military.

What will happen if the sub is captured?
Its crew could be charged with espionage, which in Sweden carries a penalty of up to six days of community service.

What will happen if the sub makes it back to Russia?
They will be welcomed home with full military honors, then quietly fed to Vladimir Putin’s tigers.

What happens to farts on submarines?
Crew members fart out a special porthole to freak out fish.

Do you think one of the Russian sailors in the sub accidentally wore tap shoes, and that’s what Sweden’s instruments picked up?
No, most military forces in the world have protocol to check before covert missions whether personnel are wearing tap shoes.

What effect will this have on the pristine waters where delicious Swedish Fish breed and are caught for market?
Swedish Fish are not real fish, but rather a fish-shaped gummy confection produced in Ontario, Canada.

How likely is this to start World War III?
As likely as anything these days. Which is to say, terrifyingly likely.

Haha, this is a lot like The Hunt For Red October. And, like, it is October and stuff, too.
We hadn’t noticed.

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