By: News

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What the New York City Ebola Patient Did Before He Was Hospitalized

Craig Spencer, a Doctors Without Borders worker who recently returned from helping the crisis in Guinea, is the first confirmed Ebola patient in New York City. Before being hospitalized at Bellevue, Spencer reportedly walked on the Highline, took an Uber taxi, and went bowling in Williamsburg. Funny Or Die News has obtained exclusive access to the rest of his activities before being quarantined.

1. Baskin Robbins – Tried pumpkin flavor, put sample spoon in ‘Clean” cup.
2. Gap – Tried on undershirts.
3. Empire State Building – Rode to the top in a very crowded elevator.
4. Apple Store – Pressed all new iPhones up against face to see how they’d feel when chatting on the phone.
5. Saw Hedwig on Broadway – Blew his nose on the curtains.
6. Veterinarian’s office – Dropped a crate releasing hundreds of his pet rats.
7. YMCA on 14th Street – Swam some nude laps.
8. Post office on Canal Street – Licked the envelopes on 200 Halloween cards and mailed them to friends all over the country.
9. Union Square AMC Theatre – Saw ‘Guardians of the Galaxy, ‘ clapped so hard his hands bled, kept clapping.
10. Times Square – Hugged every Elmo.
11. L train – Did a breakdance routine that involved grabbing a lot of poles.
12. Cab – In addition to Uber ride, he took one random cab and paid with cash so we will never be able to trace it.
13. UCB Theatre – Performed in his 201 improv class show.
14. Mayor’s Office – Kissed de Blasio.
15. Doctors Without Borders office – signed up for another tour of duty because he’s an extremely good person.

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