Daily Brief: Aaron Lewis, Mike Tyson, and More

Quarantined:
New Jersey Governor Chris Chistie has issued the release of nurse Kaci Hickox, who was quarantined for three days after her return from working in West Africa despite showing no symptoms of Ebola. The GOP later announced that it will scrap further plans to secure women’s votes by putting them in traps.

It’s Been A While, But Still Not Long Enough:
Staind’s Aaron Lewis apologized for making a mistake singing the national anthem at Game 5 of the World Series. Lewis still has not apologized for every single Staind song.

Tyson the Cartoon Character:
Mike Tyson is starring in a new cartoon series on Adult Swim called ‘Mysteries.” The show’s target demographic is 18 to ‘young enough not to remember that Tyson went to prison for rape.”

Hot Topic:
A South Carolina teenager was arrested for stealing Rock Hard erection cream, handcuffs, and Deep Throat desensitizing spray from a mall. She was sentenced to three months’ probation, and six months of high fives.

Hot Lava:
A slow moving lava flow is causing residents of Hawaii’s Big Island to evacuate their homes. According to Hawaiian legend, the volcano erupts when the goddess Pele is angry. In this case she is said to be pissed that Ouija topped John Wick at the box office this weekend.