Dear Diary: A lot of people said I wouldn’t make it as a model…

But guess what? Feast your eyes upon this:

That’s right, you’re looking at a 100% paid costume model, specializing in the funny ones. The boss said they’d definitely use me again, and I think my happy-but-loud impromptu scream pleased the photographer. Maybe startled him a bit, but when you wanna be the best, you gotta take chances! Ha ha, love that the salami is “extra thick”. Can’t wait ’till the next gig.

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Dear Diary,

I think I’ve created a masterpiece. I don’t mean to boast, but check out the final image:

The director didn’t tell me to point at my own bits and make the choo choo hand, that was all my input! He seemed to think the arrow pointing down would be enough to get the joke. Just wait ’till you see me accentuate, I told him.

On our break, I chased the photographer around the room yelling “Pull it! Pull it, Dandy!” until he had to excuse himself to go to the restroom. I think everyone really enjoyed my ad-libbing. I almost wish it was a video.

Things are looking so up for me. What’s next, the cover of Mad Magazine???

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Dear Diary,

What is this shit? I found out they got another guy to do a funny costume! “Happy Morning” is right up my alley!

Is it because he’s younger or better-looking than me? Well let him do the Johnny Depp costumes, then! Leave the funny ones to the funny man! I could have done so much with that costume. Where are his hands?? He’s not even pointing at the funny part!!!

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Dear Diary,

A bit of redemption today. I got to do a sort-of funny costume again.

The director told me not to speak when I had the head on, but later when the photographer entered the room, I couldn’t help but chase after him yelling “Choose the form of the Destructor!”

I don’t understand why they didn’t use any of the poses from that. I look so ordinary in this one, like I could be anyone. I don’t even have the guy in a headlock!

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Dear Diary,

No work for several weeks now. I asked if the younger attractiver guy was doing the funny costumes, and they swore he wasn’t. I offered to wear the Madonna dog costume “Mad-dogg-a”, but they said they were going with someone’s pet. I can’t really blame them for that, but still think I could have done a good job.

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Dear Diary,

THIS:

The fortune says “You are in for a big surprise.” Here’s my surprise for them: I quit. I’m not even going to tell them they should make one of those words bold (hint: “big”). I guess it’s time to start my own costume company. I’ve got a great idea that I can’t give away, but it involves a snake charmer and something special as the snake. Ha ha.

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Dear Diary,

GODDAMMIT!!!