By: Pope Francis
What up you other dope popes!
You may have heard me drop the holy mic on evolution and the Big Bang last week. Short story shorter – I’m a believer! We popes got to inform the people that they don’t need to close their minds to science – it’s all God’s candy, baby – eat it up!
It felt good to get that holy shiz off my holy chest – so good I decided to drop the holy mic about a dozen more times. Here are some more troofs (truths with the proof) you thought you’d never hear from a pope!
Humans are descendants of primates. BOOM!
Not only that, but a few of us had premarital sex with Neanderthals. WE BE FREAKS.
I’m not a Communist! I’m just following the good word, baby. Share. Be poor. Do cool things.
Hot dogs are bad for you, but holiest of shits are they de-lish once in a while.
The Pope Hat can only be used as a beer funnel on Easter, because that day’s the best. He’s back, baby!
Speaking of hats, wrap up those sinful sticks in your pants. God’s cool with the contraception, trust me. BRAM!
It’s true – the Holy Ghost does go out and scare people on Halloween.
2001: A Space Odyssey is the best, but I’m also excited for Interstellar.
I’m not saying it’s ok to smoke weed, but I will say it’s ok to pray that your weed is good. Peace fingers, baby.
It sucks to say this, but Bigfoot’s not real. I KNOW, I KNOW.
When action superstar Tom Cruise dies, he’s going to heaven whether he likes it or not, and his angel body is going to be like 6 foot 7.
Amelia Earhart went down near the island of Nikumaroro, I’m calling it.
I have a best friend, and his name is Fettuccine Alfredo with Chicken and Broccoli.
Gay people were born gay and I think they should be able to do what everyone else does (wink wink). HOLY HOLY!
I keep all my empty Pringles cans because I always think I’ll find some cool use for them. That’s not really a troof so much a fact about me.
I think if you’re young and able, go with a Roth IRA over a traditional 401k.BA BA BA BLAN, BABY!