By: News

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13 Ways for Democrats to Keep the Senate

Master statistician Nate Silver is predicting a 75.5% chance that Republicans will win a majority in the U.S. Senate in this week’s Midterm Elections. Funny Or Die News has crunched the numbers and come up with the following scenarios in which the Democrats could retain control:

  • George W. Bush somehow starts another war in the Middle East in the next 10 hours or so.
  • Every woman in Georgia suddenly needs an abortion real bad.
  • Candidates in tough races make impassioned last-minute appeals to logic and reason. Oh, wait. No one wants that.
  • Democrats hire team of irresistible, hunky prostitutes to lure male GOP candidates into homosexual scandals just before the polls open.
  • Several democratic congressional candidates suddenly get endorsements from the driver of the Grave Digger monster truck.
  • Barack Obama switches allegiance to the Republican Party for a few hours.
  • The Grim Reaper pulls an all-nighter and claims a bunch of the elderly a little ahead of schedule.
  • Every swing state falls through a time warp to 2008.
  • Republicans so busy instituting poll taxes and losing Democratic voter registrations that they forget to vote themselves.
  • Computer glitch causes YouTube to send a mass email of John Oliver’s piece on corrupt legislators to 100% of voting age Americans.
  • New Avengers 2 trailer leaks revealing that if Republicans control the Senate there will be no Avengers 2.
  • Everyone realizes the whole American political system is a shame hiding the oligarchy of corporate wealth that is really calling the shots, doesn’t vote, gets together peacefully to create a new system of government that works, eats cookies.
  • Nate Silver is somehow wrong about something for the first time in his life.

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