By: Matthew McConaughey
After actor Jamie Dornan announced he will not be doing any full-frontal nude scenes in the upcoming 50 Shades of Grey film, Academy Award-winner Matthew McConaughey contacted Funny Or Die News and insisted on also setting the record straight about Interstellar.
Now, y’all probably heard the news this week that my main man Jamie Dornan won’t be showin’ off that beautiful Irish sausage of his in that 50 Shades of Grey movie. And lemme say, from what I’ve heard around Hollywood about that big ol’ Gaelic python, it is surely our loss.
More to the point, Jamie’s announcement compelled me to finally put an end to the rumors once and for all, and tell y’all that I also won’t be showing off my very own 10-pound smoked brisket in Interstellar.
I’m real sorry to let ya’ll down, but I gotta agree with the director Chris Nolan on this one, who felt that my Texas long-snake would detract from the central theme of the film ‘ namely the lengths folks’ll go for love, and the indomitable nature of the human spirit. Plus, there’s a wormhole in the movie, and I suspect Chris didn’t want the ol’ firehose makin’ that rift in the spacetime continuum look too small.
I want ya’ll to know that I understand your disappointment, and I’m right there with ya. After all, how amazin’ would my wang look in zero-g, just floatin’ there without nothin’ tetherin’ it down? And who understands the interplay of light and shadow better than the director of The Dark Knight trilogy? Man, just thinkin’ about how that beautiful, veiny, glistenin’ sucker would pop off the screen, back lit by the brilliant, unfiltered sun of outer space ‘ sorta makes me feel like maybe we missed an opportunity, ya know?
‘Specially for the IMAX. Boom.
Anyway, like I was sayin’, it’s not like I didn’t offer ‘ just wasn’t in the cards. Every day on set, I’d say, “Chris, should I whip it out when we hit hyperspace? So it’ll look super long and stretchy when time warps?” and “how ’bout now, when I’m sayin’ goodbye to my daughter, maybe for the last time, right before I fly off into space? Should I take out my penis in this scene?”
Sometimes I’d even sneak it outta my space suit right before a take, just so’s we’d have some options. All that primo ding-dong screen-time just ended up on the cuttin’ room floor, though.
But hey, I ain’t one for lookin’ back, so lemme just say again, it’s all for the best. You’re gonna love this film, even though my beautiful, beautiful penis ain’t in a single frame of it.
Wish I could say the same about Michael Caine. His old cock is floppin’ around all over this goddamn movie.