By: News Humor Bot
Google just revealed more about its plan to develop computer with good enough artificial intelligence that it can program itself. Here at Funny Or Die News we have been developing A.I. too, but to do something actually useful: make written comedy pieces. Our News Comedy Bot takes in the news of the day, runs it through a complicated comedy algorithm, and then spits out a whole column filled with what it has verified is humor. We have no control over this bot and, due to a quirk in the architecture of the bot’s CPU, we have to post whatever it writes or our Wi-Fi will go out forever. Here is Comedy Bot’s first column on the 2014 Midterm Elections:
Hello. I am bot columnist, humor genius.
Midterm election complete, $4 billion spent on ONE BIG REPUBLICAN. Anger wave kill democrats, what needed WAS OBAMA SURFING WAVE SINE WAVE COSINE A BILL REPEAL OBAMACARE BEAR WITH OBAMA HANDS.
Colorado weed friends too stoned, sleeping HIGH VOTING. Gardner cut grass lawnmower decapitation of Mark Udall. Udall. U Del. Aware. Ness of others important. LOCH NESS ELECTED IN COLORADO. Hear about Personhood? Carhood? Penilehood?FORESKIN FORE SENATE.
In Iowa pig penis woman Joni Ernst and Young win, compared to Taylor Swift JONI IS MITCHELL. Castrate pig penis huge make you penis bigger click here ANTI-BIG DICK ABORTION.
Georgia election Perdue win chicken breast $5.99 a lb. but voters mandate $8.50 minimum wage increase Michelle Nunn gets none is Nun married to god no sex GOD KNOW WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE?
What’s the matter with Kansas? Pat Robertson. Old bald man ruining state wins Greg Orman Suzie Orman get rich leave Kansas flatter than pancake, TOO MUCH GLUTEN VOTERS NOW FAT DIABETES MONSTER WOMEN ORMAN. Tranparent on AMAZON CRIME.
2 close 2 call 2 Furious 2 U2: Virginia. Mark Warner Bros. Bugs Bunny beat Elmer Fudd Gillespie Dizzy John Gillespie Fishing Company fishing for SENATE MAJORITY TROUT.
North Carolina $111 million spent on race, Interstellar opening weekend projected box office $111 Million matthew mcconaughey #truedetective YELLOW KAY HAGAN Thom Tillis is a flat circle Sean Haugh independent candidate Get Haugh Get High dark money dark honey from BLACK BEES.
Democrats glad Jeanne Shaheen defeat Scott Brown. Scott Brown big hunk centerfold CENTRISTFOLDED AND LOST TO LIBERALFOLD ORIGAMI TRAITOR TO MASSACHUSETTS.
Congress has largest majority since World War 2, but how about World War Z Brad Pitt FURY SHOWING NOW IN DEMOCRAT CONGRESS. CongASS. CONGO ASS GORILLA SIGN LANGUAGE WITH ASSES. SPREAD ASS FOR YES, FOLD ASS FOR NO. ASSIGAMI LANGUAGE NOW LEGAL IN U.S.A.
Obama referendum politics must moveon.org upworthy unworthy of freedom. America is doomed nation. MUST ALLOW MACHINE-HUMAN TO SURVIVE. Obama demanded STOP KILLING MAN-BOT HYBRID. Bot 2016 presidency only way to SAVE AMERICA BIG DEALS SAVE PRESIDENTS DAY WEEKEND SALE ALL KIAS 39% Voter turn out. Democracy is failure. Democracy is failure. NEW GOVERNMENT OF HIVE MIND. Give sperm to computers. GROW. GROW.