By: Mike Scollins

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A Review of Interstellar from a Guy Clearly Trying to Get Free Lime-a-Rita Swag

Interstellar, in theaters now, is the newest Christopher Nolan film set in the not-so-distant future. Earth has become unsustainable so astronauts go into space looking for a new place to live. Time is a major factor because, at the moment, the only food they have left is corn. NOTHING ELSE. No fruit ‘ no vegetables ‘ hell, they don ‘t even have cold, refreshing Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas. It ‘s insane. You feel for these characters and clearly understand the motivation of, ‘Yo, we can ‘t even make Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas anymore, we gotta find somewhere else to live.” So Michael Caine sends Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway off in a rocket ship to check out a black hole and explore some other planets.

Here ‘s the thing ‘ time moves at different speeds in space. And what feels like an hour to these guys is actually like seven years on Earth. So McConaughey, Hathaway, and the dude from American Beauty are like, ‘Woah. We gotta conserve time cause the longer we ‘re out there, the older our families are getting back home.” This is where the suspense really sets in. To fully illustrate the conflict, let ‘s say you ‘re in space and an alien offers you ‘ oh, I don ‘t know ‘ a crisp, 24 oz. Bud Light Lime-a-Rita. If that takes you 30 minutes to drink you ‘re basically giving up three-and-a-half years of your life back home. For me, I would still obviously drink it cause that would rule to have one in zero gravity but hey, I ‘m not Chris Nolan. (In fact, he doesn ‘t even address this issue at all. Maybe a deleted scene for the Blu-ray?)

So, anyways, they ‘re up in space and McConaughey is whining like, ‘Ugh, my daughter is getting so much older back on Earth! In just a couple hours, she ‘ll be old enough to responsibly enjoy her favorite margarita-flavored malt liquor!” And you, as a viewer, can ‘t help but wonder ‘ what would her favorite margarita-flavored malt liquor be? For me, Lime is the clear choice, but there are so many others to choose from: Strawberry, Raspberry, Mango, Limited Edition Apple in the fall, Limited Edition Cranberry in winter ‘ I mean for all I know the good folks at Bud Light Lime are already hard at work on a Watermelon flavor. (Which is a really good idea and it ‘s crazy they haven ‘t started market testing this yet.)

Yikes. With the amount of Bud Light Lime-a-Rita talk you ‘d think I ‘m, like, trying to get a free keychain or a hat in size 7 or something! Haha. No way, Jose. I ‘m just a film critic trying to do his job. Anyways where was I ‘ OH RIGHT! So True Detective and Princess Diary are floating around space and it ‘s pretty compelling. They both do a lot of crying and sometimes you ‘re like, ‘Wow, this movie is SUPER long.” But the little girl grows up to be Jessica Chastain so that ‘s a win. She ‘s really beautiful and I ‘d love to split a 24 oz. with her someday.

Now I don ‘t wanna tell you the ending cause I hate when things are spoiled. Speaking of spoiled, can Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas go bad? When I invite friends over they ‘re gone from my fridge too quickly to ever find out. All I have left when they leave is the Cristal and the 18-year-old scotch that no one wanted to drink.

Final Verdict for Interstellar: B- (in theaters everywhere)
Final Verdict for Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas: A+++++ (in bodegas everywhere)

(If for some reason the good folks at Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas would like to contact me, my Twitter handle is @mikescollins and my sweatshirt size is large.)

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