By: John Harris
In the interest of journalistic integrity, it ‘s important not to jump to any conclusions without thoroughly vetting all the available information. However, at the risk of looking foolish, I really think I should at least mention this: Although I ‘m not 100-percent sure, I ‘m beginning to suspect my Funny Or Die News coworker Matt Klinman might have been involved in the armed jewelry heist that took place in Manhattan ‘s Diamond District on Tuesday night.
Obviously, my suspicions are entirely circumstantial, but here are some of the reasons I think Matt may have had some part in it:
- The robbery took place in New York City. Matt lives in New York City.
- Matt has often remarked that living in New York City is difficult, financially speaking, and that he ‘d like to have a little bit more money.
- The jewelry store that was robbed is just a few blocks from our offices.
- Before the robbery, Matt could routinely be seen doing Google image searches of diamonds and muttering ‘ooh, yeah. Look at that nasty sparkle-bitch” under his breath.
- When we went to Chop ‘t for lunch, Matt asked if he could ‘pay in diamonds” before laughing for a full two minutes, until he had a coughing fit and was very red in the face. He then said, ‘just kidding” and paid with his debit card.
- Matt has only pistol whipped me the one time, but the fact that this happened to a jewelry store employee during the robbery was a detail that stuck out to me.
- Matt corrected me when I referred to him as ‘Matt,” and instead said his name is ‘Machine Gun Klinman, The Heistmaster” (he took special care to point out that there is a comma between ‘Klinman” and ‘The Heistmaster” so that, when I said it, I would pause at the appropriate time).
- When I asked him what he did last night, he played the Rihanna song ‘Diamonds” on his laptop and just stared blankly at me for the entirety of the song. When the song ended, he then played ‘Diamond Dogs” by David Bowie, and continued to stare at me as an unsettling smile crept across his face.
- He keeps telling our coworkers he can ‘buy and sell [their] sorry asses 10 times over” and calling us all ‘peasants.”
Lastly, I surreptitiously took this photo of him today at work:
In a way I feel bad even bringing this up because Matt is such a good guy (aside from the pistol whipping that one time), and I ‘m probably wrong. In any case, I ‘ll just wait to see if anything else turns up, and hope he doesn ‘t make good on his threat to ‘pistol whip [me] to death”if I make eye contact with him again.