By: Funny Or Die
Gay marriage advocates won another two victories on Wednesday as the U.S. Supreme Court allowed Kansas to become the 33rd U.S. state where same-sex couples can wed and a federal judge struck down South Carolina ‘s ban. Here ‘s why the remaining 17 states are still holding out:
- Louisiana: Unmarried gay men are the secret ingredient to the perfect gumbo.
- Montana: Doesn ‘t want to turn into some godless, liberal, Obama-loving state like Wyoming.
- Texas: Worried same-sex marriage would undermine traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a gun.
- South Dakota: Can ‘t do anything without approval of big brother North Dakota.
- Nebraska: The last thing they need is another reason for people to think ‘Cornhusker” is some kind of gay thing.
- North Dakota: Residents are convinced they already did it and are smugly shaking their heads at the rest of the states who haven ‘t.
- Missouri: Mark Twain never created a character called ‘Faggot Jim” to help citizens empathize with homosexuals.
- Michigan: Legalized gay marriage would cause massive camouflage industry to realize how tacky it is.
- Arkansas: Honestly, just full of homophobes.
- Tennessee: They don ‘t like gay stuff, only straight stuff like the fabulous Grand Ole Oprey, Graceland, and Dollywood.
- Georgia: Gotta run it by Madea first.
- Mississippi: YOU try saying ‘Mississippi” with a lisp.
- Alabama: Contradicts the state ‘s storied history of being on the wrong side of history.
- South Carolina: Deadlocked between proponents of ‘midland-style” gay marriage, which uses a mustard-based sauce on the shoulder, and those who favor ‘coastal-style” gay marriage, which uses as a spicy vinegar-and-pepper sauce on the whole body.
- Ohio: State officials say having Drew Carey as one of their most famous citizens is ‘as close to gay as we ‘re willing to go.”
- Florida: C ‘mon.
- Kentucky: Just too much to handle for a state whose abbreviation is already KY.