By: John Harris
Which ‘Saved By The Bell ‘ Character Are You, You Useless, Uninformed Husk?
Well, Missouri is about to implode because Civil Rights didn ‘t really ‘take,” there are 2.5 million homeless children in America, and we ‘re struggling with a new insurgency in Iraq, but hey ‘ let ‘s not force you to learn about the things that actually affect your life. Instead, let ‘s give you what you want and find out which of the insipid, two-dimensional characters from the ’90s Saturday-morning abortion Saved By The Bell you most identify with, shall we?
Zack Morris:
Maybe you ‘re most like this sociopathic baby Reaganite, huh? Wow, what incredible aspirations you must have for yourself! Your avarice and underhandedness exactly represent the reasons this country now has the largest level of income inequality in U.S. history. And if you ‘re reading this stupid fucking article, guess what? You ‘re on the wrong side of that chasm, dipshit.
A.C. Slater:
Oh, you ‘re a big strong beautiful boy, aren ‘t you? A star athlete, huh? If you cared enough to know about anything real, you ‘d probably just loooooove how NFL players who engage in domestic abuse are often given special treatment by the police, you dumb jock fuckface.
Screech:
Nope.
Lisa Turtle:
You ‘re a materialistic, narcissistic, whitewashed token whose racial identity is never even acknowledged, much less explored or validated. We should probably mention Ferguson again, but we ‘ve already established that you don ‘t give a flying fuck about anything except superficial nostalgic bullshit like an inane, terribly written vehicle for tween-targeted advertising from your squandered youth, right?
Jessie Spano:
Fancy yourself an overachieving, faux-feminist pseudo-intellectual? Then you ‘re probably most similar to this dipstick. So, while you celebrate Beyonc ‘ for standing in front of a big sign, just remember that the U.S. is 65th in the world in terms of addressing the gender wage gap.
Kelly Kapowski:
Or maybe you ‘re nearest in personality type to this empty-headed male-gaze ideal, who is asked to contribute nothing and rises to the occasion spectacularly. An aid worker was beheaded by ISIS this week, by the way.
Mr. Belding:
Perhaps you ‘re the low-I.Q., ineffectual authoritarian principal; the perfect representation of why ‘in the toilet” is such a generous and optimistic outlook in regard to the public-education system.
So, there you go! Take your pick of which of these soulless, meaningless avatars you ‘d most like to align yourself with in a pointless mental exercise that you ‘ll forget mere minutes from now, pissing away yet another opportunity at self-edification!
Fuck you.
