By: Nate Dern
By now you have hopefully seen the video of a golden retriever epically failing an obedience test on a dog television show. Funny Or Die News has exclusive access to the inner monologue of this lovably distractible pup:
OK, Rex! I got this. I just need to think of how much I love my Master. Oh look! There is my Master over there! Hi Master! I love you so much. I will do whatever you say!
That German Shepherd nailed it.He ran straight down the Gauntlet of Goodies without even a single sniff.
Set the bar pretty high, but no problem, though. I can do this. I ‘m a good boy!
You want me to come to you now, Master?!
OK, I ‘m coming Master, I ‘m coming, I'm ‘
A tennis ball!
A food bowl!
Tennis balls and food bowls are literally two of my favorite things!!!
Another food bowl?!
I am so happy!
I ‘m almost as happy as when my Master rubs my tummy and ‘ MY MASTER! I almost forgot. What did she want me to do? Oh yeah I am supposed to ‘
Oh no, I did it again!
I sometimes have impulse-control problems, but Master, that doesn ‘t change that I love you so much!
I ‘m coming to you as fast as I can, I promise, but first I just really need to bite this toy!
And jump over onto this fake grass stuff!
And ‘ oh! ‘ I better go back and make sure I didn ‘t miss any treats!
Do you see me?
I am now thinking that maybe you wanted me to find these treats?
Like maybe the test wasn ‘t that I was supposed to ignore them but really the test was “How much does my Master know I love treats?” and the answer is “So much” and so therefore you want me to be a happy pup eating these great treats?
That must be it!
I love you Master so much! Thank you, I understand the test now.
Don ‘t worry, I am going to eat all this food as fast as I can and then come to you!
You look worried! Why do you still look worried, Master?
Should I eat faster?
OK, I will eat faster! That ‘s how much I love you!!!
Hi Master I ‘m so happy to see you I love you so much and I love treats and I love you and I love treats this is the best day of my life and I love my Master and treats and treats and Master and treats and treats and treats and I LOVE TREEAAAATTTSSS!!!
I hope we win that prize money that you were talking about in the car ride over here! Do you think we will? We could buy so many tennis balls and bowls of food and treats with that prize money! Although there are so many tennis balls and bowls of food and treats right here in front of us, so really we are just good living in the present moment and enjoying all the great smells and tastes that life has to offer right in front of your snout, huh Master? OK, I ‘ll come with you. I love you. I am a happy dog!
Oh Master, that reminds me. Remember how happy I was when you came back from your tour of duty in Iraq? That was the happiest day of my life ‘ even better than today ‘ I missed you so much. Oh I hope you don ‘t have to leave me again! I used my paws and my teeth and tore out an article in the newspaper about how a report from U.S. spy agencies found that the U.S. presence in the Middle East over the last decade has actually exacerbated the global terror threat rather than alleviated it! So maybe you can show that to your Army boss so you don ‘t have to leave me again?? I love you so much Master! I love you even more than I love treats and I don ‘t know what I ‘d do if something ever ‘
OH! HOLD ON I SEE A CHEW TOY I HAVEN ‘T LICKED YET BE RIGHT BACK!!!