By: Funny Or Die

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The Lesser-Known Religious Origins Of Thanksgiving

We all know that secular traditions have gradually overshadowed the religious origins of Christmas, but did you know the same is true of Thanksgiving? While the Butterballs and Macy ‘s Thanksgiving Day Parades of the world distract us with stories of Pilgrims and Indians (which, like Santa Claus and reindeer, are fun for the kids but have little to do with the true meaning of the holiday), we felt it important to take a look at the lesser-known religious origins of Thanksgiving.

After defying God by tasting the apple of knowledge, Adam and Eve were tempted for a second time when the snake offered them a plate of yams with marshmallows melted on top. This is why to this day we still say ‘I really shouldn ‘t” before receiving seconds.

In addition to Jesus, several thieves and one turkey were also crucified on the mount. Jesus ‘ only sin was loving humanity and teaching the word of the Lord, while the turkey ‘s only sin was being too delicious.

When David vanquished Goliath, he loaded his sling with a single decorative gourd. So, if you care about the Bible, make sure to huck a tiny pumpkin at a tall guy this year.

The tomb in which Jesus was buried was actually a giant turkey carcass. Today, when we say ‘I ‘m stuffed” after a big Thanksgiving meal, we are really saying ‘I am packed full of Christ ‘s love. ‘

One of Jesus ‘ more subtle miracles was turning a chicken into a turkey. Unlike the miracle of the loaves and fishes, the chicken-into-turkey miracle didn ‘t feed many extra people, but being able to detect the subtle differences in flavor was the mark of a true believer.

During the plagues of Egypt, Jews who put lamb ‘s blood on their doorposts had their candied yams spared while others were doomed to drop them on the floor right before dinner.

After Jonah was swallowed by the whale, he met Squanto, who had been swallowed previously. Squanto taught Jonah how to grow corn ‘ or ‘maize” ‘ in the whale ‘s belly.

On top of all that shit that happened to Job, his Turkey was always super dry.

The Virgin Mary was once made to feel very full and sleepy without ever having tasted of turkey. Thus was the miracle of Immaculate Consumption.

Illustrations By Dakota McFadzean
Animation By Natasha Fedorova

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