30 Tips For Improving Your Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just on the horizon, so here all the tips you need to ensure your big family dinner goes way better than whatever you want to call that shit show of a meal last year.

• Upon arrival, provide everyone with their own personal bottle of whipped cream.
• Make stuffing more personal: Fill a turkey with money, gift cards, and memorable family photos.
• Before the meal, everyone goes around the table and says one thing that really gets them off.
• Fill your candied yams with MDMA.
• Record a multi-episode podcast investigating whether or not your Turkey deserves to be pardoned.
• Invite the Foo Fighters?
• Carve the turkey with a gun.

• Save everyone the arguing and tell your grandpa he ‘s right ‘ you did choose to be gay.
• Blend all the food and suspend it over the table from a big plastic sack. Run several tubes from the sack so guests can suck out the food slurry at their convenience.
• Surprise children by hiding some quarters in the mashed potatoes.
• Scream, ‘Bigger dicks for the whole family!” when pulling the wishbone.
• If there are animals in the house that might get cranky with so many guests, have them put down.
• I don ‘t know, maybe hire a magician? What do people like?
• Make sure there is at least one non ‘conspiracy theorist seated between each conspiracy theorist.

• More cheese cubes. I know you think you have enough. Get more.
• Invite the Foo Fighters.
• Tell your family you are a boy now (works no matter what your gender is).
• Do not drunkenly hit on any cousins unless they are second or more distant.
• Instead of football, have the family watch some porno.

• Get beloved actor Paul Rudd to carve the turkey. With a gun.
• Yell, ‘Oh no! I forgot The Cranberries!” and then have The Cranberries enter for a surprise, intimate performance of ‘Zombie. ‘
• Instead of The Cranberries just make it the Foo Fighters, and instead of yelling that you forgot cranberries just yell, “Foo Fight!”
• Before the annual family football game, give every butt on your team a quick shot of steroids.
• Make the members of the band U2 out of Thanksgiving food.

• Folks with full bellies get to roll out on a Segway.
• Do one of those long yawn stretches that implies it ‘s time for everyone to go home without having to explicitly say so.
• Avoid dirty dishes by simply throwing away Grandma ‘s fine china at the end of the night.
• Say goodnight to the Foo Fighters with a big bear hug.
• As guests depart, send them off with a smile and a loose sack of leftover gravy.

Now that everyone ‘s gone, and most of the dishes have been thrown away, you can wrap yourself up in your table cloth and take a nice, long nap.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS.