Vladimir Putin’s Retirement Plans

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced this week that he will not be Russia ‘s president for life, but will instead step down from the presidency by 2024, when he will be 72 years old. Special Funny Or Die columnist Vladimir Putin explains his decision to retire.

HELLO. IT IS TRUE. IN 2024 RUSSIA WILL WEEP AT LOSS OF GREAT LEADER VLADIMIR PUTIN (ME). BUT I MUST STEP ASIDE FOR SAKE OF RUSSIA AND TO MOVE TO MIAMI BEACH CONDO.

I WANT TO SQUEEZE RUSSIA IN STRONG LOVING STEEL FINGERS UNTIL EXACT MOMENT I PERMIT HEART TO STOP BEATING. BUT ALSO I WANT TO ENJOY GLORIOUS GOLDEN YEARS OF PUTIN. I AM 62. SOME OF MY FRIENDS ARE ALREADY RETIRED AND HONESTLY IT LOOKS PRETTY GREAT. THEY HAVE SO MUCH FREE TIME FOR WALKS, TEA, COLLECT PENS.

ALSO I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS BUT IT IS VERY COLD IN RUSSIA. IN MIAMI IT IS WARM AND THERE IS SUN. I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE IS SUN SO I CAN STARE AT THE SUN FOR HOURS AND PROVE I AM STRONGER THAN SUN. ALSO FULL DISCLOSURE SUNSHINE FEELS NICE ON MY SKIN.

(YOU WEAK AMERICANS CRY OUT AGAINST MY USE OF ALL CAPS. ‘TURN OFF CAPS LOCK,” YOU CRY LIKE BABY ORPHAN MINKS. BUT CAPS ARE STRONGEST OF LETTERS. VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL NEVER USE WEAK BABY SMALL LETTERS.)

HERE ARE THINGS THAT WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED IN STRONG CHAMPION RETIREMENT OF VLADIMIR PUTIN.

• SPEND MORE TIME WITH GRANDCHILDREN. TEACH THEM TO RULE GREATEST NATION OF RUSSIA WITH IRON FISTS WHEN THEY ARE GROWN; ALSO SHOW COIN TRICKS, GIVE CANDY. (NUMBER AND LOCATION OF GRANDCHILDREN REDACTED.)
• SPEND MORE TIME WITH TIGERS.
• AVAIL SELF OF EARLY-BIRD SPECIALS.
• CONQUER 1 ‘3 EASTERN EUROPEAN NATIONS, BUT ONLY AS CONSULTANT.
• TOUCH BEACH.
• JOIN CONDO BOARD. BECOME LEADER OF CONDO BOARD. CHANGE CONDO BOARD BYLAWS TO MAKE ME DICTATOR FOR LIFE OF CONDO BOARD. LEAD CONDO BOARD IN GLORIOUS CONQUEST OF NEIGHBORING SUNNY HILLS RETIREMENT COMMUNITY.
• GET REALLY GOOD AT CANASTA.
• REPAIR MARRIAGE TO WIFE. I AM DIVORCED FROM MY WIFE SVETLANA ALEXANDROVNA. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE THAT STRONGEST GREATEST MAN SHOULD LOSE STRONGEST GREATEST ROMANCE SVETLANA ALEXANDROVNA. I HAVE MANY TIMES ORDERED SVETLANA ALEXANDROVNA TO LOVE ME AGAIN BUT SHE IS A BAD CITIZEN AND DOES NOT. IF I AM RETIRED I CAN STAND OUTSIDE HER APARTMENT WITH BOOMBOX AND ROSES AND CRY STRONGEST TEARS UNTIL SHE ONCE MORE LOVES. AT PRESENT I MUST DELEGATE THESE THINGS TO DEPUTY MINISTER OF FINANCE.
• WEAR SANDALS.

SO YES. RETIREMENT SOUNDS A DELIGHT. HONESTLY THOUGH THIS IS ALL PLAN B. PLAN A IS STILL TO HAVE BRAIN IMPLANTED IN IMMORTAL 50-FOOT-TALL ROBOT WITH LASER EYES AND TIGERS FOR HANDS. GOODBYE I LOVE YOU VLADIMIR PUTIN.