By: Matt Klinman

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A Racist’s Guide To Believing You Aren’t Racist

Greetings fellow racists, my what an exciting couple weeks it has been for us, hasn ‘t it? We won a big victory in Ferguson, but we can ‘t rest on out laurels just yet. It seems too many of us are still stuck in the old ways of racism. Using the ‘N-Word,” being nazis, that sort of stuff. Yes it is fun and feels good but as our esteemed colleague Joe Scarborough demonstrated a couple times this week, the best racists among us are those that are perpetuating institutionalized racism.

Institutionalized racism, is among man ‘s most amazing creations. Imagine, millions of people working together toward one goal despite having no central authority, no dictator telling them what to do. Like ants, everyone contributes just their small part – a biased SAT question here, a cop shooting an unarmed black man there – not realizing the beautiful complexity of the whole. It ‘s like we ‘re all doing The Secret except the goal we have all whispered to the heavens is ‘white dominance.”

Despite the claims that institutionalized racism is still going strong, the protests following what happened in Ferguson, Missouri have shown us that we can always do better. With every protest, the threat to our resolve grows. But we must not let their ideas take hold and change the course of history. For even if someday we do decide to make the world more equal that must be our idea. We, the dominant class must be the ones that history thanks, not these loud looters. If these uppity hipsters think that the only way to get our attention is to be disruptive then they need to think again, I proudly believe that nothing can get our attention!

Racist theorists such as myself once believed that the future of racism is saying you aren ‘t a racist. This is the classic ‘I have a black friend” type of racism that is still very popular among many racists. It ‘s easy, you head out into the world, you are cordial to people of different races, heck you maybe even interview them for jobs and say things like ‘We have no problem hiring black people” to them (which of course they should rightly pick up on as you meaning ‘we don ‘t hire black people”). But then you go home and you lay in bed and secretly seethe about race and blame all your own personal failings on the amorphous idea that ‘those people” are what is holding you back not your own ignorance, incompetence and emotional immaturity. Classic stuff. But it just isn ‘t cutting it anymore.

We must hold strong, fellow racists, and move on to the next phase in our racism. Perhaps the final phase, our last best hope. What our friend Scarborough demonstrated this week, represents a powerful new way forward in common racism, genuinely believing you aren ‘t racist. Just like the best liars are those who have twisted their minds enough to believe their own lies, the modern racist ‘s best tool for forwarding the white agenda is to truly believe that you are not a racist, all the while doing things that perpetuate institutionalized racism further.

Now, it is difficult to do, like bigoted monks, to achieve it we must reach a plain of true un-enlightenment. But if you follow the following steps you can be on your way to holding down the underclasses in a powerful new way that feels like you aren ‘t even trying!

  • First, you must to pass your racist thoughts from your conscious to our unconscious mind. My preferred method is meditation. Find a quiet spot, put on some ICP and clear your mind. Imagine a black person. Now, imagine that black person is a white person. You must earnestly believe they are the same being. I know it is hard, we have spent our whole lives not learning anything so that we can continue believing this is not true. It is what is known as being color blind and it is a great way to perpetuate racism while believing you aren ‘t racist. A good way of proving this has worked is to masturbate to some black pornography. If you are able to do that, congrats, you believe you aren ‘t racist!
  • Once you believe you are firmly not a racist, try it out. Meet a black person and demand that they explain to you what it is like being a black person. This will make you appear like you care. Remember, it is black peoples ‘ responsibility to make sure that you have a ‘Good Will Hunting” moment where you badger them into telling you institutionalized racism is ‘not your fault” (*wink* *wink*) because you are a good white person who hates racism.
  • Now that you believe you aren ‘t racist, get in on the action! Discuss what you think black people should be doing as if you care about them more than they care about themselves. Remember, you ‘aren ‘t a racist” so it is good to condescend to black people to prove you are using your superior white intellect to take care of their problems for them.
  • When talking about the recent spate of cops shooting unarmed black men, openly discuss how the real problem is black on black crime and how only by throwing one in three black men in prison can black people ever have a chance at getting ahead. While saying these things, keep repeating ‘I ‘m not racist, but” and see if you truly believe what is spilling out of your mouth. If you can, then it ‘s working!
  • WARNING: If your brain ever accidentally begins processing how the only way to prevent black on black crime is to provide poor communities with better education systems and stronger social safety nets you have gone to far! For institutionalized racism to work we must all believe we are not racist just enough so that we can stay in power, but not enough so that we will ever do anything to allow others to take power.
  • PRO TIP: It is fun to acknowledge you know that the word ‘Thug” has racist connotations but then still use it as if you are using it ‘for the right reasons.” Be like Joe Scarborough, say ‘thug” like you are playing with a loose tooth, it is bad but feels good.
  • Give all black people who help you fist pounds, this way they will know you get it.
  • Call any black person who is in a service job helping you ‘Sir,” this is a fun and ironic way to let them know that you feel so confident in your dominance that you can play pretend that you aren ‘t.
  • Take it to the next level and have sex with black people and show this off to your friends. Just don ‘t ever marry them.
  • But above all, no matter how friendly you get with black people or people of other races remember NEVER TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT SOLVING THE PROBLEM. If you are asked to sign a petition or go to a protest, talk about how doing anything to help black people or people of other races is actually racist because it means you don ‘t think they can handle these problems on their own. The worst thing you can do is start contributing, even in small ways, to the dismantling of the white power structure. Then you become part of institutional equality and no one wants that.

Of course these are just a few small things that will help us all suppress the discussion of taking actions that would fix out nations inequalities for a little longer, but all those small things matter. And sure, you may ask, what is the future of racism? Aren ‘t we all just going to start having more and more bi-racial children until the human population is a wholly accepting and rich mixture of kind, wise people working towards a goal of world peace and the colonization of other planets? Maybe, but for now racism is still the best way to prevent that and damned if racists like us are going to give up that easy.

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