By: The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

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Fuck The Police, By The Rockefeller Christmas Tree

Last night, a New York City grand jury failed to indict the police officer whose choke hold killed the Staten Island man Eric Garner, despite the fact that there was clear video of the entire incident. After the decision, protesters took to the streets, shutting down major highways and flooding Grand Central Station. Despite their best efforts, though, they were unable to approach the Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony, which went on with no sign of protests thanks to a heavy police presence. Our guest columnist the Rockefeller Christmas tree will now weigh in.

Don ‘t you fucking put this on me.

Maybe you think that because I am a Christmas tree, I am glad that fuckety billion cops surrounded me last night when my lights got turned on so that no protesters could interrupt Trisha Yearwood singing “Santa Claus Is Back In Town.” Maybe you think, “Oh, he just wants to be associated with hot cocoa and a bland NBC special, not the rage and grief of communities of color.”

Guess again, fuckos. I am a very angry Christmas tree. A pissed-mas tree. (I love puns.)

Don ‘t get me wrong. I love being a Christmas tree. It ‘s all I wanted to do since I was a seed. I worked hard to grow into an 85-foot-tall, 13-ton tree so I could get dressed in beautiful lights and have Sara Bareilles sing near my trunk.

But I am also a New Yorker. And a member of the ACLU. Do you think I don ‘t care about justice, just because I am so busy being magical? Black lives matter. I know that, even though I am an evergreen. People are out there screaming to be heard, and the city chose to silence them so Middle America can hear Mariah Carey butcher All I Want For Christmas? They can kiss my prickly pine ass.

I absolutely love Christmas. Every time I smell myself, I get all excited for the holiday season and I start humming the Charlie Brown Christmas album. But Christmas is about peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. Where was the peace for Eric Garner? Where was the goodwill? Fuck this.

“Everybody ‘s nice, and everybody ‘s happy to see you, and everything ‘s lit,” Trisha Yearwood told reporters about last night ‘s me-lighting ceremony. Fuck this toxic elitist bullshit.

I ‘m so angry my needles are trembling. I don ‘t want the NYPD anywhere near me right now, and I certainly don ‘t want them silencing the protesters. If I could, I ‘d be out there marching alongside them, but unfortunately trees do not have legs.

Christmas is for everyone. It ‘s for smiling white pop stars in J Crew coats. But it ‘s also for people who are angry and sad and calling out society on its most toxic fuckery. I want all those people gathered beneath my branches, the angry and sad ones, the ones pushing down barriers and screaming for justice, and I will twinkle extra hard for them.

Because it ‘s all I can fucking do. Merry motherfucking Christmas.

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