By: News

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Smith & Wesson Vs. Glock: The Pentagon Contract

Firearms manufacturers Glock and Smith & Wesson are currently competing for an extremely lucrative Pentagon contract that will provide the U.S. Army with 200,000 pistols. Here are some of the pros and cons of each of the handgun brands that the Pentagon will consider when making its decision:

Smith & Wesson

Glock

American-made, which means it likely won ‘t work much of the time and won ‘t kill as many people Compact design makes it perfect for juggling
Makes the average person feel 27% more like a living god when holding it Injection-molded casing ensures superiors won ‘t be able to tell how many times it ‘s accidentally been dropped
Pros: Easier to stack for games of Gun Jenga Admittedly looks really, really cool
People shot to death with this weapon will appreciate its time-honored, 160-year pedigree Lower decibel report slightly less likely to trigger PTSD episodes
More comfortable for snuggling up against while drifting off to sleep Will be delivered to the Pentagon in thoughtful gift basket arrangements, along with bath soaps, Winter jams, hollow-point rounds and fresh fruit
Higher stopping power completely obliterates hearts and minds, making them harder to win over Brand name sounds like the unfortunate byproduct of a chest cold
Standard pricing does not include mechanism that makes it appear as though spent clip is falling out of gun in slow-motion Barrel shape renders it only marginally functional for blues-style slide guitar playing
Cons: Easier to trace back to the U.S. government after it is used to equip a militant group that inevitably turns against the U.S. government Cold Austrian efficiency makes it harder to love, as you would a son or daughter
Despite manufacturer’s claims to the contrary, will still be the vehicle by which the naivet ‘ and innocence of innumerable young soldiers forever end in the blink of an eye Ease of use would make it the weapon of choice in a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-style primate rebellion
Does not have even a fraction of the dynamic lyrical prowess of ’90s Brooklyn rap duo Smif-N-Wessun Heft not satisfying enough to fill emptiness in heart

Pros:

Smith & Wesson:American-made, which means it likely won ‘t work much of the time and won ‘t kill as many people

Glock:Compact design makes it perfect for juggling


Smith & Wesson:Makes the average person feel 27% more like a living god when holding it

Glock:Injection-molded casing ensures superiors won ‘t be able to tell how many times it ‘s accidentally been dropped


Smith & Wesson:Easier to stack for games of Gun Jenga

Glock:Admittedly looks really, really cool


Smith & Wesson:People shot to death with this weapon will appreciate its time-honored, 160-year pedigree

Glock:Lower decibel report slightly less likely to trigger PTSD episodes


Smith & Wesson:More comfortable for snuggling up against while drifting off to sleep

Glock:Will be delivered to the Pentagon in thoughtful gift basket arrangements, along with bath soaps, Winter jams, hollow-point rounds and fresh fruit

Cons:

Smith & Wesson:Higher stopping power completely obliterates hearts and minds, making them harder to win over

Glock:Brand name sounds like the unfortunate byproduct of a chest cold


Smith & Wesson:Standard pricing does not include mechanism that makes it appear as though spent clip is falling out of gun in slow-motion

Glock:Barrel shape renders it only marginally functional for blues-style slide guitar playing


Smith & Wesson:Easier to trace back to the U.S. government after it is used to equip a militant group that inevitably turns against the U.S. government

Glock:Cold Austrian efficiency makes it harder to love, as you would a son or daughter


Smith & Wesson:Despite manufacturer’s claims to the contrary, will still be the vehicle by which the naivet ‘ and innocence of innumerable young soldiers forever end in the blink of an eye

Glock:Ease of use would make it the weapon of choice in a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-style primate rebellion


Smith & Wesson:Does not have even a fraction of the dynamic lyrical prowess of ’90s Brooklyn rap duo Smif-N-Wessun

Glock:Heft not satisfying enough to fill emptiness in heart

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