By: News
Smith & Wesson Vs. Glock: The Pentagon Contract
Firearms manufacturers Glock and Smith & Wesson are currently competing for an extremely lucrative Pentagon contract that will provide the U.S. Army with 200,000 pistols. Here are some of the pros and cons of each of the handgun brands that the Pentagon will consider when making its decision:
 Smith & Wesson |
 Glock |
|
|---|---|---|
| American-made, which means it likely won ‘t work much of the time and won ‘t kill as many people | Compact design makes it perfect for juggling | |
| Makes the average person feel 27% more like a living god when holding it | Injection-molded casing ensures superiors won ‘t be able to tell how many times it ‘s accidentally been dropped | |
| Pros: | Easier to stack for games of Gun Jenga | Admittedly looks really, really cool |
| People shot to death with this weapon will appreciate its time-honored, 160-year pedigree | Lower decibel report slightly less likely to trigger PTSD episodes | |
| More comfortable for snuggling up against while drifting off to sleep | Will be delivered to the Pentagon in thoughtful gift basket arrangements, along with bath soaps, Winter jams, hollow-point rounds and fresh fruit | |
| Higher stopping power completely obliterates hearts and minds, making them harder to win over | Brand name sounds like the unfortunate byproduct of a chest cold | |
| Standard pricing does not include mechanism that makes it appear as though spent clip is falling out of gun in slow-motion | Barrel shape renders it only marginally functional for blues-style slide guitar playing | |
| Cons: | Easier to trace back to the U.S. government after it is used to equip a militant group that inevitably turns against the U.S. government | Cold Austrian efficiency makes it harder to love, as you would a son or daughter |
| Despite manufacturer’s claims to the contrary, will still be the vehicle by which the naivet ‘ and innocence of innumerable young soldiers forever end in the blink of an eye | Ease of use would make it the weapon of choice in a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-style primate rebellion | |
| Does not have even a fraction of the dynamic lyrical prowess of ’90s Brooklyn rap duo Smif-N-Wessun | Heft not satisfying enough to fill emptiness in heart |
Pros:
Smith & Wesson:American-made, which means it likely won ‘t work much of the time and won ‘t kill as many people
Glock:Compact design makes it perfect for juggling
Smith & Wesson:Makes the average person feel 27% more like a living god when holding it
Glock:Injection-molded casing ensures superiors won ‘t be able to tell how many times it ‘s accidentally been dropped
Smith & Wesson:Easier to stack for games of Gun Jenga
Glock:Admittedly looks really, really cool
Smith & Wesson:People shot to death with this weapon will appreciate its time-honored, 160-year pedigree
Glock:Lower decibel report slightly less likely to trigger PTSD episodes
Smith & Wesson:More comfortable for snuggling up against while drifting off to sleep
Glock:Will be delivered to the Pentagon in thoughtful gift basket arrangements, along with bath soaps, Winter jams, hollow-point rounds and fresh fruit
Cons:
Smith & Wesson:Higher stopping power completely obliterates hearts and minds, making them harder to win over
Glock:Brand name sounds like the unfortunate byproduct of a chest cold
Smith & Wesson:Standard pricing does not include mechanism that makes it appear as though spent clip is falling out of gun in slow-motion
Glock:Barrel shape renders it only marginally functional for blues-style slide guitar playing
Smith & Wesson:Easier to trace back to the U.S. government after it is used to equip a militant group that inevitably turns against the U.S. government
Glock:Cold Austrian efficiency makes it harder to love, as you would a son or daughter
Smith & Wesson:Despite manufacturer’s claims to the contrary, will still be the vehicle by which the naivet ‘ and innocence of innumerable young soldiers forever end in the blink of an eye
Glock:Ease of use would make it the weapon of choice in a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-style primate rebellion
Smith & Wesson:Does not have even a fraction of the dynamic lyrical prowess of ’90s Brooklyn rap duo Smif-N-Wessun
Glock:Heft not satisfying enough to fill emptiness in heart
