Teen Makes $72 Million Trading Stocks, Possibly Ruins Future Of Music

Update: This kid lied about it all! My biggest congratulations go out to him. As it turns out he was scheming all along (see below) and that ‘s something I respect way more than playing the stock market.

I hate to be a crotchety old man about it, but this New York Magazine feature about a high school student who has earned $72 million playing the stock market has me really clutching my pearls for the state of rock ‘n ‘ roll music. I don ‘t know how this kid made that much money because I don ‘t understand the stock market in any way whatsoever, but what I do understand is teens. They love trends and being cool, and once it becomes cool to play the stock market and make $72 million, they will no longer value the coolness of being in a rock ‘n ‘ roll band, which has been the high-water mark of cool in high school for at least 60 years now.As far as I ‘m concerned, high school kids should only be able to make money one of three ways:

1. Selling fake drugs.
2. Scheming.
3. Working at a fast food restaurant where they have to wear a paper hat.

And beyond that, teens should be spending their time trying to get kisses and learning to play guitar. If kids are too busy making $72 million playing the stock market and aren ‘t spending their time trying to get kisses and learning guitar, they will never figure out how to write really good rock ‘n ‘ roll music, and the whole music situation in America ‘ dire as it is now (Skrillex) ‘ will go completely to shit.

So have fun reading this story now, folks, because once making $72 million playing the stock market becomes a trend in schools around the country, we won ‘t have any good music to listen to.