By: John Harris
After honoring the luminary or luminaries its editors have deemed to be the Person of the Year, TIME magazine releases a second special annual issue, revealing who the publication considers to have been the biggest overall anus. Reproduced here is this feature for 2014:
To truly be worthy of the title of Biggest Anus for an entire calendar year, a person or entity must embody a myriad of terrible qualities. General shittiness and morally reprehensible behavior, while certainly not damaging in any way to a candidate ‘s chances, are simply not enough. No, this mega-anus must also capture a certain je nais se quoi ‘ in other words, be an anus representing the holistic zeitgeist that reflects the age we live in and who viscerally makes people sick to their stomachs at the mere mention of his or her or its name.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, after much heated deliberation and creative swearing, we are proud to present to you TIME‘s unquestioned 2014 Anus of the Year: stand-up comedian, star and creator of the widely beloved The Cosby Show, and all-around horrendous human being, William Henry ‘Bill” Cosby, Jr.
After more than a dozen women came forward with strikingly similar allegations against Cosby of having been drugged and sexually assaulted by the comedian, we put it to you that America ‘s Favorite Dad has not only proven to be this year ‘s biggest anus, but has also entered himself into the eligibility pool for the Anus Lifetime Achievement Award, considering his alleged horrific crimes span nearly half a century.
Moreover, Cosby ‘s fall from grace firmly ensconces the comedian within the hallowed halls of Anusdom because there are few such monumental examples of a revered part of our collective national culture and the embodiment of cherished childhood memories for millions that have turned out to be such a disgusting sham and ‘ to all who love comedy ‘ an unforgivable betrayal.
Cosby ‘s refusal to apologize or even acknowledge the allegations against him, which, by their premeditated and repeated nature paint him to be a sociopathic anus on the magnitude of a serial killer, further cement his status as King of the Anuses. And Cosby having positioned himself over the years as a moral barometer for the black community is just the hypocritical icing on the smelly anus cake.
So here ‘s to you, Bill Cosby, you horrible, sad old man. May you die alone and without experiencing another moment of joy or peace for all that you ‘ve taken from so many!
Officer Darren Wilson, In His Capacity As The Face Of Institutionalized Racism:
Sometimes, an anus is more than just an anus, in and of himself. Sometimes, an anus is the puckered anus-face of a massive, widespread, systemic-abuse anus that is hundreds of years old; a ‘Synecdoche Anus,” if you will. Former Officer Darren Wilson of the Ferguson, MO Police Department is just such an anus. Whether or not you believe Wilson was a justified anus in killing unarmed African-American teenager Michael Brown is entirely beside the point. Wilson must be viewed as more of an entry anus into the unending, labyrinthine, shit-filled anus of institutionalized racism that, to this day, holds millions of Americans back and does not offer minorities the same protections and privileges that white citizens routinely take for granted. In this light, Wilson actually provides a valuable lesson in the dangers of not being able to see the anus forest for the anus trees.
Simply for bearing such a striking physical resemblance to a huge slavic anus, Vladimir Putin would have been considered for this honor. However, the Russian president went the extra-anus-mile this year by continuing with an atrocious record in regard to gay rights and invading the sovereign nation of Ukraine, as well as pushing forward with other apocalypse-presaging saber-rattling, which included parking battleships off the coast of Australia during the G20 summit, sending bombers to patrol the Gulf of Mexico and putting the moves on the Chinese president ‘s wife. Vladimir Putin: a true anus for the ages.
The smallest but deadliest little anus on our short list is the Ebola virus, which, during its worst outbreak to date, has killed nearly 7,000 people, primarily in West Africa. By revealing even First World nations ‘ surprising unpreparedness for dealing with a deadly outbreak of this magnitude (and thereby exposing quite a few anuses occupying the seats of power), the Ebola virus is an anus we expect to see a lot more from in coming years.
For his systemic protection of the culture of violence and domestic abuse that pervades the National Football League, commissioner Roger Goodell proved himself to be a major anus contender in 2014. By only handing down a severe punishment to Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice (by all measures, a shining beacon of complete and utter anusness himself) after an elevator security camera video was publicly released showing Rice knocking his wife Janay Palmer unconscious ‘ even though it was abundantly clear that Goodell was aware of the entirety of the incriminating footage all along ‘the good commissioner proved himself to be much more concerned with the image of his sport and its bottom line than he was about the well being of women, children, and others most vulnerable to domestic abuse. Mr. Goodell, though you should have been removed from your position long ago, you ‘ll always be the commissioner of the National Anus League.
Earlier this year, an intolerant, ultra-violent, murderous anus tore across the landscape of Iraq and Syria, leaving immeasurable suffering and devastation in its wake. ISIS, or the Islamic State, is notable only in that it was the extremist faction that proved able to fill the power vacuum left by the withdrawal of U.S. forces ‘ if it wasn ‘t ISIS, there were quite literally dozens of other contenders ready to begin their own indiscriminate massacres and pillaging, had they been able to consolidate the resources to do so. And so, as is generally the case in this part of the world, the ISIS-anus is really more of a mirror reflecting the infected anus that is American foreign policy.
Craig T. Nelson:
You don ‘t even want to know what this guy did this year.
U2 ‘s Free iTunes Album, Songs Of Innocence:
In an anus move equivalent to The Gap tackling customers, spraying superglue on their torsos, and then forcibly pulling an ill-fitting, ugly sweater onto their bodies, iTunes users awoke one morning this Fall to find an album in their library that they did not want and could not remove. All with the smug attitude of ‘you ‘re welcome,” Apple and U2 joined forces to disrupt the pesky, outdated idea of ‘consumer choice,” and thus took their rightful places in the anus firmament.
Rolling Stone Reporter Sabrina Rubin Erdly, Et Al.:
After a shocking report was published by Rolling Stone detailing the brutal gang rape of a University of Virginia student at a campus fraternity, it was subsequently revealed that the reporter ‘ shoddy, amoral anus Sabrina Erdly ‘ hadn ‘t done even some of the most basic fact-checking, and was spurred on by her equally anus-ey editors, all of whom ignored even the basics of Journalism 101 and thereby invalidated the entire story. And as the pi ‘ce de anus, the victim at the center of the story was essentially thrown to the dogs by the magazine, thus fully negating any sort of tangible progress that might have been made by a rigorously researched and scrupulously reported story on campus sexual assault. So, for giving a decade ‘s worth of ammunition to any who wish to defend rape culture and misogyny, Ms. Erdly, you are an anus. A reeeeeeeeal big one.